Source: Kitten.foster.corner

The scene at Osun Osogbo in Osun State, Nigeria by Adeolu Osibodu (@adeoluosibodu)

Hyper independence and help

These days you feel let down, your therapist says accept help, you don’t have to do it all on your own

Almost immediately you start to realize you get a lot of unsolicited support and then instead of saying no, you try a new approach, you say yes why not

You start to feel good, wow it’s nice to be helped until you get 2 disappointing news out of 3 and you feel so deflated and even more alone than you felt when you didn’t accept help

And you wonder why you tried in the first place but you also know you have to keep trying cause disappointment and handling disappointment is part of the learnings

90% of the time I am worried about doing something wrong, guess what?! I still end up doing something wrong

As an introvert, HSP

Living in a highly extroverted world, picking where I choose to extend my energy without feeling ashamed or like I am missing out, is one of the things I want to embody

I don’t know what to write, maybe it’s because I’m in the midst of a lot of feelings, it hit me today just how low on cash I am and even doh there are a few things in the works, I wonder if I will survive long enough, I am second guessing my decision to leave my job about a year ago but another part of me is saying f*** that mostly because it’s not worth it.

I have 40gh in my account all I can do is work and eat, I can’t do anything spontaneous, I am looking at myself and I am worried, ngl I feel very very worried, I am looking around for who is going to help and feel shame, I feel embarrassed that I am trying to get someone to help me or give me money, like a handout.

I know I made the right decision, it’s not been easy, there is a heavy sigh in my heart, and I know that I need to hang in there, need to believe but omo it’s hard to do in this exact moment

So I am back to my warrior position, lying on the floor in fetal position were I can find the strength to get up, trust and believe that everything is going to be alright but for now we lie down

My Cat

I dreamt I had a black cat

She, oh yes a female

She was brilliant

With black beady eyes and a

Careful countenance

She was my black cat

How to love her.

She is soft

Careful with her

She is strong and quiet

But loves a good laugh

Remember she is soft

Be gentle, patience

that’s her language

Careful intentionality

Is what is required

Be kind, generous and soft

She will reveal herself

Slowly like a puzzle

Patience again and again

She is all you’ll ever need

I have a different fear

It’s the fear that if this love dies, I won’t find another love, I won’t grow to be very comfortable in a new love, can this new love be trusted?

I am afraid of new love

I am okay

I am okay

I am okay

I am okay

I am okay

I am okay

I am okay

I am okay

I am okay

I am okay

I am okay

You have to say it at-least ten times before your brain registers it