Provence 

Stay close to people who make you feel like it’s okay to be yourself. 

AvPD recovery: Self-esteem.

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

AvPD isolates you from being truly connected, being part of the world.

It keeps you from creating trust-filled, satisfying relationships.

It also keeps you from connecting with yourself, like I wrote about in another post.

It keeps you from truly feeling -- and even sometimes recognizing -- your own emotions, your own wishes.

Most of all, being this way hurts.

Avoiding our feelings and being detached from ourselves is not normal.

And just like the pain of a physical injury, this pain is a reaction that comes from seeking wholeness. It’s calling attention to a real problem.

It’s okay to try and fix the problem.

It’s okay to pay attention to how you feel.

Even if it’s negative.

Yes! Even if it’s absolutely terrible.

Ignoring bad feelings is sometimes necessary for survival. And if it is for you right now, you probably already know it. That’s okay, and you can probably still do a lot of these things.

Remember: There’s no right or wrong way to heal.

Find a place where you can be absolutely alone, on purpose.

A place where there isn’t anyone who will judge you or make fun of you -- a place just for you, like a private journal or sketchbook or blog. Even the best option will probably feel kind of uncomfortable, so don’t obsess over finding the perfect outlet for this!

Do whatever you can to make it feel safe and out of reach from everyone.

And then spend time there, regularly.

Once you get used to it, try noticing what it’s like to not have anybody looking over your shoulder.

Can you even imagine it? It’s a terrible contradiction that we spend so much time alone, but so little time feeling un-watched. Free of observers and judging eyes.

See if you can get to know your feelings.

Within the protection of your solitude, try writing about your feelings. Or drawing or singing or collaging about them -- whatever works for you.

It doesn’t have to be pretty, and it’s okay if it doesn’t feel natural. It’s a skill, and you have to gain proficiency just like with any other skill. You'll get there; it doesn’t matter how slow or fast that happens.

As long as you’re trying, you’re making progress.

If you learn one tiny thing about yourself, or if you get a little more used to expressing yourself -- then it’s a success.

Experiment with being nice to yourself sometimes.

This is so, so hard, and it’s okay if you’re not ready to try.

But when you are, just try being kind to yourself. Try being gentle. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt once in a while.

And if you can’t do it, try not to hate yourself too much for failing. It’s OK -- if "official permission” existed, this would be it: You don’t have to punish yourself.

Do things that feel good.

Just because they feel good. It’s OK to do that.

In particular, look for things that just sound like they would be nice, right about now. Something that you just ... feel like doing.

Even if it’s only a tiny thing, like making yourself a cup of tea, or taking a nice bath, or re-reading your favorite book.

Learn what it feels like to want something, and learn what it’s like to give yourself something good.

Try to consciously look for “wins.”

After doing anything, if you find yourself retracing your mistakes, blaming yourself, or feeling sick and anxious and guilty -- take a minute to redirect your thoughts.

Ask yourself: what went right? In what ways did I succeed?

It doesn’t matter if your brain is throwing lots of fails and embarrassment at you; that’s like a TV channel that never turns off. You don’t have to pay attention to it all the time. Just, when you have the energy to, deliberately focus on the good anyway.

The smallest success still counts: “Hey, I remembered what building my class is in! I was basically on time! I didn’t trip over anyone! I learned something!” Even if you have to name truly silly things for “wins,” start with those.

The point is giving yourself credit, instead of bringing yourself down.

And you might be surprised at how well things actually went -- when you start looking at how well they went, instead of how badly.

These things are the heart of recovering from AvPD...

...in my opinion, and in my own experience. Because this is how you recover your self-esteem.

The simple way to see AvPD is that other people judge and hurt us.

But the more complex truth is that their judgment only has the power to affect us that much, because we’ve never claimed the right to judge for OURSELVES.

We never learned to like ourselves, or to be kind to ourselves. We never learned to take care of ourselves. To own who we are, as human beings. To decide OUR OWN value.

That takes some intense courage. But you don’t have to do it all at once.

Every single thing I listed here is about:

reclaiming your inner life for yourself,

finding your feelings and wishes again,

practicing taking care of your feelings.

Taking care of yourself means healing shame. It means giving yourself value.

We all need to be validated, listened to, cared for, and given positive value. We need dignity.

But when you can give those things to yourself in abundance, you don’t have to rely on other people’s scraps for your self-esteem.

And that’s how you get free. The fear will still be there. But it won’t control you.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela (via themindmovement)

This is a first and foremost a disability blog, and I saw a post regarding these protests that I knew I would have to address at some point. I know that all kinds of people follow me and this message is for all of you:

Social Media activism has its role, but a limited effect. You can do far more by donating to a legit movement than by reposting every little post about these protests. You can be aware of what’s going on, do your part, and still take care of your mental and physical health.

I know that the favorite line in response to acknowledging these limits is “black people can’t take a break from racism” which I agree but I also don’t get to take a break from ableism, sexism and classism. They’re soul crushing too. Just being physically disabled means I can’t even get up for my own rights, meanwhile I have severe anxiety that I know is worsened by gluing myself to world events.

Some of those people who need to step away do deal with racism. And by suggesting non black people can only support black lives by creating undue anxiety that can in effect cripple our ability to actually do something substantive is nonsense. It’s a guilt tripping performance of ideological purity, and downright harmful to all people no matter their identity.

Everyone needs a break, even those on the front lines, or your movement will die from pure exhaustion. So my fellow anxiety sufferers, you are not in any way letting black lives down because you aren’t rebloggong posts. I’m more concerned with donating if you can, and your vote this November. You can do so much more with those tools than any mindless page sharing.

Stay updated, stay involved, and don’t be ashamed for taking mental health breaks because by doing so you can be a more effective supporter. Right now there is a long YouTube art piece going around to raise funds for BLM movements though ad revenue, which I will Reblog again immediately after this post. Doing things like that is far more helpful than rebloggong every single protest post. You don’t have to do that no matter how many people shout out at you that you have no excuse, but they don’t know a thing about your life and what you deal with.

Support where you can but don’t let this become so destructive to your physical and mental health that you can’t even continue your support. We’re all human, we all have unique individual limits, even admidst a protest.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay mad about police brutality and racism.

^NPR link.

Under the rules of the order, renters have to sign a declaration saying they don't make more than $99,000 a year — or twice that if filing a joint tax return — and that they have no other option if evicted other than homelessness or living with more people in close proximity.

There is an EVICTION MORATORIUM in the entire U.S. until the new year, but you MUST declare it to your landlord in order for it to be effective.  This does not cancel your rent, but it will delay a potential eviction.  PLEASE share this info so that those who need it, have it, bc they aren’t being vocal in promoting this.

source

AvPD theory: social dysregulation

Part of Avoidant Personality Disorder is like … a failure to regulate social experiences. Like we don’t properly integrate or process what we feel.

Interacting with someone means feeling visible, connected, and like you are a self-among-selves: you’re existing as a person, in the presence of others.

Most folks, of course, can handle that effortlessly. They even seek it out.

People need social ‘background noise’ and social stimulation.

They reach out easily and often, just because it feels good to them.

Socializing gives them a sense of comfortable connectedness. And relief from isolation – they don’t “exist in a vacuum.”

It helps smooth out their inner experiences, thoughts and feelings.

But with AvPD, I don’t think we process social input normally.

The sensations of interacting don’t feel like how most people feel them. Being visible, connected, a person – it just seems dangerous and harsh.

And we can’t put these feelings into context.

We can’t step back from them, or control how much they affect us.

We don’t have the ability to regulate what we’re experiencing.

That means nearly all social stimuli are negative to us, whether friend or foe. Being-in-contact-with-people is all it takes to distress us.

It’s overwhelming and de-stabilizing.

It provokes more big feelings, and reactions we don’t feel safe facing.

Our inner experience is turned into chaos.

We’re left feeling helpless, afraid, inexplicably ashamed.

We want positive connection. But we usually end up with painful chaos instead.

And it’s a thousand times worse if you’re having an actually negative encounter, like facing someone who’s angry or criticizing you.

Social perfectionism is about trying to escape this:

“I might be able to enjoy this thing… but only if nothing goes wrong ever.”

Perfectionism is a great misdirect. Because “every possible problem” is not the issue that needs solving.

What we need to do, is learn how to experience social input in a positive way. And un-learn all the bad habits that have grown instead.

(more here!)

I just read the line “President Donald Trump also indicated that federal squads would likely target cities run by the party that opposes him” in a real-life news article and I’m just thinking about how people really thought Democrats were overreacting in 2016 and that we should “give him a chance”

drive-by advice: find ways to recharge your extrovert batteries without draining your avoidant ones!

here’s a shortcut – 

is there stuff that doesn’t involve direct socializing at all, but still lets you extrovert and absorb experiences?

for example

going to a music concert or festival

a sports game

a flea market or farmer’s market

traveling

visiting a public park

eating at a restaurant

driving in traffic

walking through the city

hiking

spending time with animals/pets

expressing yourself creatively

people-watching

reading forums or nonfiction books

and under the readmore, I’ll throw in some questions that might be helpful to think about~ good luck!

try and figure out what types of socializing you like, and what you don’t like. think about the people involved, and the level of personal interactivity:

how many people you’re with

how well you know them

the location

any distracting activities you’re doing

whether you’re doing the activities together (like playing video games against each other) or individually (like studying), interacting actively or passively

is there a pre-decided/built in time limit?

and (very important)

the level of personal connection / vulnerability / visibility while you’re with them

as an extrovert, what makes you feel better? what kind of interactions seem really satisfying to you? (there are different shades of extroversion; there’s no right or wrong answers, the important thing is to figure out what works for you and what you need)

do you need to have a personal discussion with someone in order to feel content? or just talk about random (impersonal) stuff? or casually bump into each other throughout the day? or hang out quietly in the same space?

(also consider, who qualifies? if there’s more than one person, what common traits do they have? how do they make you feel? can you generalize what it is about them that makes them good to spend time with? + who else do you know that fits those traits?)

and with your AvPD:

what kind of stuff makes you super avoidant? (this is hard to think about, but try, even tiny clues are helpful!)

what type of interaction do you really dread? try and identify what aspects of it are contributing: is it being around too many people at one time? too few? people you know very well, or not well enough? the environment – in public vs. semi-public vs. private? settings that discourage talking (movie theater, library) vs. encouraging it (eating a meal together)? what about when you’re at home vs other places?

okay, one more point:

if you don’t currently have anyone to interact with in positive ways, or if meeting people is one of your biggest problems right now, still think about this stuff. try and imagine your ideal situation to socialize in, with all these variables. really picture what you’d enjoy!

and then if possible, go do those things, even if you do them alone. 

why? because the kind of person you want to hang out with is gonna be drawn to the same places & activities as you. you don’t even have to “be friends” with them if that’s not what you’re looking for; you can just meet up to {play pool, video games, chess, basketball} or be workout buddies or watch new films or whatever you’ve figured out is what you want. especially if you want someone who’s not invested in forming a Close Emotional Attachment – then you’re basically looking for a person who cares more about {whatever activity}, and they’re probably already there.

plus, even if you don’t (or don’t want to) meet anyone, you still get to do fun stuff that you enjoy! and that generally makes life a little better :>

if you DO want to really make friends with someone -- in the typical sense, with mutual support and trust and sharing feelings -- you can still do it that way! though there are other ways to meet people as well.

but you see it all depends on how you want to connect with people. that’s why, in any scenario, it’s important to figure out what you want and need :)

being extroverted and avoidant fucking sucks

I don’t have personal experience with this, but I’m sure it is and I’m sorry that you’re struggling. And I’m also sure that plenty of others are dealing with the same thing, so know that you’re not alone. I wish you the best!

- Shinji