Bpd Problems - Blog Posts
me: Ok brain. We need to be moving on. We can’t keep hyper fixating on someone not interested in us like that. It's not good. It's hurting us. BPD brain: You’re right. Understandable. Request considered. Youtube: -Plays an emotional bop- Me: O h n o MDD: did somebody ask for ♥ r o m a n t i c ♥ d a y d r e a m s ♥ ? Me: Wai tno please dont do it MDD: -Does it- BPD: You know what. When you put it that way. Request denied. Me: 💕 💕 💕🎀 𝐹𝓊𝒸𝓀 🎀 💕 💕 💕 *Smitten*
me: Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the time? Ha. I don’t even care. I don’t even care, not even a little. You want to ignore me fine. Go ahead. I don’t even care. You think I need your constant presence and attention. Laughable. I was alone way before I even met you. Pure childs play. Don’t even @ me. Don’t even bother saying anything to me. I don’t need or want it anyway.
me 1 minute later: *sobbing* I’m sorry please don't leave me. Fuck I need you. Where are you. What did I do wrong. Was it something I said two months ago? Have you left me like she did, ghosted me?? If I attempt to reach out will you block me?? What did I do?? Im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sor- me 1 minute after that: *trying to think rationally* He’s probably just sleeping. Hes probably busy with schoolwork. Or babysitting. Or the bank. Or family stuff. Or- me 1 minute later panicked: But he always messages you morning. Even when hes busy. He would have let you know. He would have said something if he was going to be away...What if something bad has happened?? What if something horrible has happened to him?? What if hes hurt?? What if something happened to his family?? What if hes suicidal and not telling me and I’m going to lose him??? Oh god oh fuck oh no oh fuck oh god me: What if hes just ignoring you? What if he just doesn’t want you anymore? What if he hates you? What if you pissed him off and didn’t realize it? What if- me minutes later:.....Fine. Don’t talk to me. You think I need you to message me all the-- and repeat forever.
It's actually so comforting to have classmates with mental illnesses or issues. Like, yeah, I'm not alone in this shit!
School meeting fit before my first day… i’m incredibly anxious. I hate going to school. I am not excited. Everyone around me. Seems to be trying to get me excited for something that literally nobody else likes so it’s a little weird that I have to be excited, but I think I’m going to pull a Rory Gilmore and just get all of my work done take all the notes I need to and get the fuck out of school. I really wish I could drink the caffeine I was drinking before but I can’t, unfortunately. The good thing is I do have my MP3 player. The bad thing about that is there’s not a lot of songs on it so I’m gonna have to go and put more on it. 
tw: vent
I just had the biggest breakdown I’ve had since a long while, I’m honestly so fed up with my stupid head and brain what’s the point in this continuing why do I have to suffer just so people won’t be sad I’m dead, well I’m suffering I don’t want to do this shit anymore I wasn’t even supposed to be alive to see 18 let alone any other age past that I can’t even regress bc I don’t feel comfortable with out a cg there to help me, I’m just completely useless and honestly I don’t even care anymore I can’t take this anymore, I want it to be done I want to be done I want to be dead. And it’s my dads birthday I ruin everybody’s day around me and I can’t even stop myself what kind of stupid ass loser can’t even not cry for a fucking day, I just can’t take this anymore I don’t want too, what’s the point in being happy just for it to go away for like months bc of my dumbass head. Ffs
me: *finally opens up to someone"
me: *feels better afterwards*
a few hours later
me: i am so sorry to even have bothered you. please erase my existence from your memory.
You can’t be diagnosed legally with BPD until you’re eighteen but I have been told by multiple doctors at multiple in patient facilities as well as my psychiatrist that I do have it and my psychiatrist will give me a diagnosis when I turn eighteen. They can however say that you have “traits of borderline personality disorder” and that’s included on my long list of mental issues on my hospital records and IEP forms. It’s honestly torture not being able to be diagnosed because although they can’t do much for BPD, there are newer things that have proven to be effective and I can’t have that treatment until I’ve been diagnosed. But seriously, if a mental health professional hasn’t diagnosed you and/or is not planning on diagnosing you when you turn eighteen, please do not joke about it. It’s really serious and has wreaked havoc on my life. I hate the fear of abandonment I have; I hate the way it affects my relationships; I hate that I never feel “mentally ill enough”; I hate everything about it. All I want to do is be close to the people I love and feel loved and validated by them but the ways I try to do that always end up pushing them away. And to all of you who think that people with bpd are manipulative, abusive, crazy, etc., go fuck yourself. You don’t have a clue how hard it is to live with this disorder. You don’t know shit. Go educate yourselves assholes.
Alright I’m done now. Carry on.
hey guys
To everyone replying to my first post about BPD (that one post on my account that people like and reblog lmao) saying things like “I don’t have BPD but I relate.”, stop. I know you might get jealous easily or something along those lines, but it’s not the same. For us, it’s chronic. It’s torture. I am unable to linguistically express how difficult it is to get through these feelings daily.
I’m sorry, but no, you can’t relate. Maybe you think you do because of how I’ve put it because I’m not the best at explaining things, but you don’t. I’m sorry. You can’t.