When you’ve only been in a relationship for a few weeks yet you’ve convinced yourself you’d die for them. 🙂🙃🤡
If you are with me, only me, giving me all your attention, its like a sun in my head.
The shadows disappear. You make them disappear easily. You are my sun. I would do everything for you. I mirror you to be perfect for you.
But the sun is hot as fire and fire burns everything down.
If you go, the sun goes. The shadows are back, worser. Because you aren't there.
And suddenly i am alone. You hate me. You will leave me. You play with me. You will replace me.
Then you text me a simple "Hey, can you help me later?"
And even though the shadows stay, i feel useful. I look forward to help you.
But then there are other people to help you too. And i am useless again. Replaceable.
But I help you. My body hurts and feels heavy, but I am here to help you.
And once you don't need my help anymore, once i get into the safe place of my own four walls, i collapse. It hurts, really much.
Is that what dying feels like? Its probably more peaceful.
The flames that 'save' me are also the flames that easily 'kill' me. I wonder if my shadows ever hurt you?
No split was ever strong enough to break my attachment to you. You say "come here" and i run. Because i have a task. I am useful.
I don't love you romantically. You are like a older sibling.
I am sorry. I know I am unhealthy obsessive. Also i don't know how to stop it. I just try & fight to keep the chaos inside of me.
You are my favorite person.
I hate you, but my love for you will always return. Even if i kill you in the back of my mind, one single nice word of yours revives you.
My inner child can sleep trough the whole night if i am at your place.
You showed me how to live.
You will always be the most Important person for me. Even if you do replace me one day. As long as I live, i am here for you.
I mean it. With two broken legs i would get up for you. Only you.
I had a fp from 2020 to 2023-
I wasn't diagnosed back then. They never knew how much and bad they managed to trigger me in the last year.
Anyways, i never had a episode infront of them except going all silent.
I thought our friendship would have ended, as with 2024 i started to only visit the stables (where we had to meet every day normally but due to stress i made with them the decision that they would take care of my pony until I finished apprentice.)
When i felt.. okay, not stressed, not bad, not extremely tired.. of course I started to have a better mood at the stable since then.
Since a long time i call them in the mornings to wake them up so they don't oversleep and still do, but, fuck.
They are so fucking nice to me again since 2024 began and we stopped seeing each other everyday, since I wasn't forced to go to the stables anymore because i don't have to feel guilty because of my pony even though I really love it.
My ex fp is so nice to me again i can't handle it 😭 especially every morning on the phone.
I don't know how to work with this & this feelings.. they are still able to trigger me badly too.
Why is that so fucked up? What should I do?
I am scared. Also i want it to stay like now. BUT IT SCARES ME.
Not my brain basically acting like they’re a god!!! But they basically are so like tf, and I really should stop being this selfish and taking everything for granted when they’re the most amazingest person ever and I don’t deserve them at all whfhwihdjwje
Having a fp is so fucking shitty. Just being so dependent on them for every single thing and the jealousy of quite literally fucking everything including the fucking trees that take their carbon dioxide to make oxygen and shit and the needing to be with them constantly and the percieved abandonment all the fucking time and your life depending on them so fucking much more than anything just flr them to not give a shit about you in the slightest no matter how much they say its never going to actually be true or how much they say and its so shitty. Fuck having fps. I just want to fucking hate them and fucking kill myself. Fuck all this shit fuck it fuck it fuck it why do i have to fucking need them when they just leave leave leave thats all they fjcking do just leave and fucking lie!!!