Exmormon - Blog Posts
Christians who are Really Into Jesus dying on the cross 🤝 Persecution Complex 🤝 “We’re the daughters of the witches you didn’t burn.”
For me it was moral perfectionism, i would constantly feel like i'm evil and immoral. I would sometimes become a doormat and let others push me around for the sake of that sweet, sweet, moral high ground. And back when i was religious, i would cope with others pushing me around by thinking "they'll be going to hell anyways".
Open discussion: has anyone dealt with perfectionism that most likely came from years of religious trauma?
I'm going home to see my family that I haven't seen in months and instead of spending time with me, they want to go do a religious service that I'm not a part of. Maybe I'm just being a bitch but they could literally go do this any other time! Why is it the one weekend that I'm there that they have to go??
Not to mention they're saddling me with my 13 nieces and nephew. No, no, don't ask if I'm fine with it (despite my numerous and very vocal statements how I don't like children). Clearly it'll be fine... after all, this was the entire purpose and how I was raised, to be a mother and caregiver.
What is everybody's random thing that brings back slightly traumatizing memories?
Mine is when a group of people is eating (potluck style) and they're all crowded around the serving table. My mind always screams that we can't start dishing up until we say a prayer.
Shout out to Mormonism to fucking up a normal celebratory thing for the rest of my life!
I was talking to my friend, having a conversation about god, and I mentioned how I'm not sure I believe in God because how would he let the things that happen happen. Then my friend said "so if there's a god, he would be an unfair god"
I... I had never thought of that before
it had never occurred to me, who was raised mormon, that a God could be anything less than perfect in every way
...anyway, gonna go re-think my entire perspective on life
A special shoutout to LGBTQ+ Mormons and exmos this pride; to you in the closet, sitting awkwardly in sacrament meeting, finding excuses to duck out of homophobic Sunday school lessons, you, wearing a rainbow pin to girl's camp, you out and proud and still attending, enduring side eye from sisters and comments to "maybe tone it down" from your bishop. You, afraid to bring your partner home, you who's only Mormon on Sundays but can't bear to let your parents down (earthly and heavenly). To you who took the bravest step and left the church and your community, and feel like you'll never find a new one. To you who hears "no way you were a mormon!" but are still unravelling the trauma of purity culture.
I see you.
I love you.
It gets better.
god is the space where God used to be
Who am I meant to be angry at now?
dostoyevsky // nicola yoon // ada limĂłn // john steinbeck // avainblue // sylvia plath
yall ever get so high you actually rewrite the 10 commandments
i think i’m in a situationship with God
"There are no secrets!"
I blurt out at the dinner table. We are at my Great Aunt Linda's, in Somerset, Kentucky, for our annual family holiday get together. My cousin Brenda gives me a look I've never seen before. She looks at me like I'm an absolute lunatic. Like I just cut off the cat's head and am growling maniacally while its corpse drips blood from my jaw.
Only, that wasn't quite the case. In fact, I don't think anything I did or said deserved this kind of reaction. You see, I was 19 years old, and it was the year after my first year of college. My father and I had gotten into a nasty fight, but we hadn't discussed it yet. I said something to him about it in front of the whole family. Bad timing, I guess.
But in my mind, if in heaven or the afterlife, everything would be known -- why lie or try to cover things up in the present?
Welcome to the world of the 1 2 t h H a u s
The watery, elusive ocean. Where the ego, the self, individuality, becomes a mere drop in a vast sea. And the certain, reliable structures and fortitudes of material reality dissolve into a schizoaffective mod-podge of reality.
In astrology, the 12th house represents the end of the karmic zodiac wheel. It starts with Aries and the 1st house, then travels all the way around, till you end up with Pisces & the 12th. It rules over areas of life such as prisons, insane asylums, monestaries, rehabs, psych wards. Who wouldn't want to have their Sun sign there? Or Moon?
As you may be aware, the 12th house doesn't have the greatest of reputations. Planets here are elusive, hidden, not easily accessed. Like a monk, far away on a foggy, hilly terrain. With no cell phone or 2023 MacBook Air. Or a prisoner who lost his mind and is locked away for the rest of their life. Geez. At least something beautiful I heard about prisons and the 12th house, is that spiritually speaking, prisons and institutions are meant to save you from yourself.
Meaning, you can't harm others and create more karma for yourself when you're locked up. In practice though.... Prisons are pretty violent. But I've never been to prison. I have, however, been in and out of the psych ward for much of the beginning of my adult life.
It was mostly because of suicidal depression. Enter nervous breakdown from the immense pressure of being away from home in a small town for my first year of college. Being gay. Working class. It was a mess. What I thought would be an easy four year finish with a high paying job waiting for me, turned into a dead end. Nervous breakdown, bipolar diagnosis, joined a strange new religion (Hi Mormons <3) I took the Spring semester off after a week-long stint in the local psych ward. It would've been shorter, had they believed me about my throat hurting. I had tonsolitis.
Well, in my time away from school, I realized how s p i r i t u a l I was. I wanted to find the meaning of life. The right path. I researched and found that most religions didn't support homosexuality. Which sucked, because I was already out and had a boyfriend in high school. But I was raised by a paranoidly religious father in the Southern Baptist faith, and I had a fear of going to Hell. I also had a lot of toxic masculinity ideals internalized.
Eventually, I join the Mormon Church, but realize even among other church members, I was different. For instance, one afternoon on my porch at my Grandmas in Kentucky, I was praying/meditating -- all of a sudden, I just felt so transcendentally connected to the land. I imagined Native Americans on the hills by my house. It was an odd feeling. Dimensional.
At Church, I could see auras and glowing light emanating from other members, when they went up to the podium to bear their testimony. I found out later there was another kid in church who could see the same golden light. Most people didn't, though.
I would later read that people with Saturn in 9th house individuals are drawn to conservative religions such as Judaism, Catholicism, and Mormonism. I laughed and put the book down after I read that. The LDS Church was so important to me from 18-21. I was devastated when I had to choose being authentic to myself as a gay man over my religion. I really lost meaning and hope and drive, for my life.
The 12th house.
My father also has a twelfth house sun. Isn't that odd?
That we both have Sun in the 12th house. The issue is, I don't want to be like my father. I appreciate him, sure. Of course. But he acts a bit like a man lost at sea on a deserted island. His house a shack he built out of random wood. His best friend a volleyball. Except all of this while he's living in the middle of suburbia. That is the vibe, I fear.
I love him, I do. I also blame all the earth energy in his natal chart. I mean come on, the man quite literally ONLY has earth signs in his chart. Like no other element. What the hell?
So it leaves me to wonder.
How do us 12th house natives navigate the foggy, uncertain waters? How do we stay sane in a material world, when the veil is so thin to the other side? How do we find meaning and reason in a material, hostile world, when the peace and happiness of Heaven is right there, waiting for us?
Really, I must know. I'm almost 30. And I'm afraid I'm missing my moment. I want to be successful, but lately, every well I seem to throw my bucket down, turns out to be dry. I've fallen for the illusions long enough -- the only issue is, I can never tell what illusions I'm falling for until after the fact.
I didn't realize how crazy I was when I was younger when I was acting crazy. It was other peoples reactions, and my many, many, many psych ward visits that I realized I might not be the best suited for this world. It's so mean spirited, individualistic. I don't know how to cope or manage. Maybe this is the doom, the destiny, of my Sun in 12th house.
If I was a 3rd House Sun, I would be a writer or a journalist or a teacher. A 4th house Sun, a stay at home mom or run a daycare. A 9th house Sun, I'd be a professor or a travel agent or a psychaitrist.
What does a 12th house sun become? Shamanistic Healer?
I have no idea how to do that, and I've got bills, honey!
my prince of kentucky, made me feel so -lucky
from within him a dark light, first alleviated my plight. // a call from a ghost, taunted me the most.
parasites of confusion, try to take host //
yet i still want to stay, simply can’t keep away. see the smile in his eye, you’ll understand why. //
anger& stone, an empty car ride alone. with shattered pieces, can love still be known? i don’t want to accept, that our feelings are outgrown
can’t be my home, if he prefers to roam. but i keep coming back, he is my crack
in awe & terror, possible margins of error.blind me in ways, fog up my gaze. the tears that fall, pain me for days.
still i am here, and yes, it feels queer. his invitation on a whim, i lay next to him my feet, cold. they clammer, it’s dim
roses have their thorns, messages from the unborn. i eat the sweet bread, see visions of the dead. sacrament. new hope. a reason to tread
though not gone yet, please don’t let me bet. i’ll always remember, the first moments we met
broken & hollow fleeting internet follows // my red bedroom walls, these urges to wallow //
uncertainty abound, is all i’ve really found
love somehow remains
& is the direction i’ll follow
my toxic trait is that if i ever met a famous person, i would tell them how the only “famous people” i’ve met are mormon church leaders.
and then i would info-dump about my mormon religious trauma