Humans Are Crazy - Blog Posts

We abducted humans.

To be fair, we abducted members of every new race. Abduct a small percentage of the population, expose them to some galactic prisoners, and we get a good idea of what germs, diseases, and viruses will make the jump between races. Do this over the course of a [roughly equivalent to a century], and you get a good idea of what there is, how quickly it mutates, etc. You also have the time to develop vaccines for any races that might be affected by the new race (including itself- we’re not heartless).

But we underestimated humans.

It was [roughly equivalent to four decades] into our testing of humanity. We picked up a human from his transport and placed him in a containment cell. He had some nutrients with him, and we picked that up too: less we had to feed him later.

But we underestimated the resourcefulness of humans.

Something went wrong- we think it was a door malfunction- and he escaped the cell. He disabled the guards easily (we suspect they were less alert than they should have been) and took their weapons. We locked all hatches, hoping to seal him in the laboratory wing. Unfortunately, he hacked the shipboard computer, gaining control of all systems. He made his way to the bridge, where he took the captain hostage. We offered him riches, technologies beyond human understanding.

But we underestimated the stubbornness of humans.

He was paid us no mind as he wrestled with the controls, as if on some quest. He punched numbers and figures into the console, and mumbled something about ‘being lit on fire’ by a superior. He set the ship down on the other side of the city from where he was picked up and opened the doors. We braced ourselves for a military confrontation, but it seemed like we were outside another human’s abode. He jumped out, carrying the nutrients with him.

We underestimated Domino’s 30-minute or free guarantee.

“I’ve heard they can raise the temperature of the whole room by exercising.”

“Quick, think up an excuse!”

***

Fun fact, my first published short story was about human body temperature being exotic and useful.  I can proudly say that I was writing Humans Are Weird before it was cool.  Is it any wonder I love this stuff?

just wait until the aliens learn about dodgeball.

There’s a Humans are weird/space fae, Earth is Space AU post where aliens freak out over humans ability to throw.

An awesome post and yes sportsball would be great to show them but…

Frisbee, Juggling, Pizza dough throwing competitions, Bar acrobatic bottle juggling, Fish throwers at Pikes place Market.

Men of war - Humanity is a space oddity

An alternate universe in which aliens had arrive during ww1-ww2ish, Inspired by the incident of the attack of the dead men. Also sincerely sorry for wrong grammer.

I am not native to English. Im using a dictionary lol.

When we had arrive, a group of men in gas masks threw bombs made of a gas-mixture. Mostly harmless to some of our specimens on board our ship, we have landed pretty far, enough for the trees and all sorts of organisms to hide us, but also close enough to see the destruction these Terrans had caused.

We had expected aliens from a far, trying to colonize a terrene classed fleshlings. But..no, we saw other humans, gasping for air as they clenched their very own throats, horrifying site indeed.

As they fell onto the ground like dying flies, the men decided to start stabbing them, as if they weren't already dead. But soon as one was about to be stabbed, the corpse,.. or what seemingly was a corpse clenched the knife that was on the gun.

We had a okay grasp with humanity, although we didn't understand why they needed to tape brittle knives on their guns. Why couldn't they just shoot them? Who knows.

The man's hand bled, before they managed to forcefully take the knife from the poorly duct taped gun. Before tackling the soldier while puking blood, it started to stab it, the other soldiers were stunned although one had stepped up and shot it.

"W████uf war███t █u? F██ts█tzen!" The man shouted harshly, my men couldn't understand such words.. as if our translators broke right here and there. It sounded like a mix of Martikir Urthonian and Schlovia'Adepti language, an abomination that is. Although it may be due to the distance from the man and us.

Soon the soldiers did not hesitantly think of not continuing, as if a dead or supposedly dead man had came and killed one of their soldiers. Soon those whom have not been stabbed started walking, using their guns as canes and soon some of them started to retreat without command.

Four or three soldiers were stabbed, and some were shot. Soon the same man had shouted, "VER███S█ ███ZT!" They had ran through the barbed wire, most had started falling and being trampled by their own soldiers. Brutally being cut by the fact that they were being slammed forcefully by hundreds of feet and onto sharp wires made of metal.

Soon the dead men started shooting their guns, like some sick game of.. what was that? Shooting chalk through fake gunsthat humans think are fun ? Ah right.. airsoft.

Soon enough all of them had left, the field was bloody, and their screams and puking noises filled the air with red. I do not know what had happened to those men, but I know the other side had ran sl fast that they had simply gone through their own traps and defenses.

It was a scene from a nightmare, something no one could've made up alone. We fled from there, going somewhere else instead of that monstrosity of a battle.. I wish we had came to earth after this horrid battle between all of humanity.

- Sekthore 5 group commander, ██████