Midnight Rants - Blog Posts

No one talks about leaving,

Realizing one day, a day you woke up feeling as if it was going to be any other day, that you no longer love the person the same. The small things you once loved that they put so much effort to go unnoticed. How is it that you woke up and realized you were okay living without them when one day you feared losing them. I think it hurts too, having to tell the person you never planned on being without that things are just not the same and when they ask why, what is there to say? "I woke up on a seemingly normal Wednesday and I realized that you no longer made me feel those puke-worthy butterflies. That I knew I would be okay without you." How do you put that feeling into words? I don't think I will ever be able to give you the answer you deserve and for that I'm Sorry...

I miss you more than I knew I would

and I hate it

because I promised myself

that I wouldn’t be that person,

the one who sits around

wondering how you are

and if you’re happy

but I couldn’t stop it and it sucks

because I wish I didn’t care.

I wish I felt nothing

but how can I feel nothing

for the person

who once made me feel everything.

MSI

It’s like walking through a field of flowers

wearing a white flowy dress and you’re happy

you’re picking flowers and it’s a joy so immense

nobody can stop you, you’re free but then

you hit a wall, the flowers in your hands are not there

they’re replaced by rubbish, and then you look back

and it’s no longer the field of flowers.. it’s a mess

a mess that you have no choice but to fix

so you do, you walk back

and start piecing it all together and you’re sad

you’re guilty because you created such chaos

you beat yourself up about it as you see everything;

the people you hurt, the mistakes you made,

the good ideas that were actually bad ideas

then once it’s clean you’re excited.. it’s the field again

and you’re running through it again and it’s scary

because you never know where the wall is

when you’ll be stuck looking at the mess again

but you still enjoy it, you still love the flowers..

MSI

< Bipolar Disorder In My Words >

Money on My Mind

I just went shopping on my way home from being a Home Chef for a friend of mine becasue I wanted to make Stuffed shells for dinner after I made her manicotti. Of course I ended up buying a whole lot more, but honestly I can't just run into the store and grab one item.😅

So I grab a cart and start in the fruit like most people do. Almost out of garlic so I grabbed a big jar cause it goes for a long time. Grabbed some Snap Dragon Apples and Raspberry oranges. Now those all sound boujie but all the apples were $3.99 a bag and my oranges were cheaper than navel ones!😲

So then I head to the areas where I am supposed to be going aka the pasta. I grab Italian bread to make garlic bread and found pie and bagels discounted so scooped those up. I even found a decent size pork roast on discount for tomorrow's dinner! Then I hit the pasta aisle.😄

I found sauce for a crazy sale price and stood in the pasta aisle for like 15 minutes comparing sale prices. I tried to make it down the cookie aisle safely, but I ended up seeing store brand butter cookies so snatch.😆

Next came eggs but I was not worried cause i cased them earlier in the week I knew that I could get 24 for $8.25 which is a steal nowadays. Got a big bag of meatballs that will last a while too. Finally I hit the dairy and to my lovely shock I found butter on sale! Let me tell you even on the holidays I could not find butter on sale like this! I will be going back later this week to grab more cause butter is so expensive right now!😖

Finally grabbed all the cheeses I needed for the shells and found cream cheese on a fantastic sale. Grabbed my daughter's Greek yogurt and then on my way to the register I remembered a vid I watched about olive oil being scarce in the coming months so I decided to check that out and after another 15 min of price comparing I chose one and that was the most expensive thing I bought at $14.99 but it will last me months.🧐

When all is said and done I spent $141.35 and it filled four bags, which is not many, but everything I bought except for the cookies was all healthy and unprocessed or will last months. I think I did damn good! Then I spent $2.89 on a bottle of blackberry Dr. Pepper and made mac and cheese cause it was too late to cook the shells cause I took two hours to shop.😂

No for serious, right now as i am writing this I am roasting the veggies in my fridge so they don't go bad and I can freeze them. I really am trying not to let anything go bad in my fridge anymore cause that was a bad habit we had and it wastes soooo much money. So yeah, I think I did really good and the two most expensive things i bought were the garlic and the olive oil. The pantry is full and we will be too for a few months!🥰

Mata ne Mina!🤗

Feeling Like Something is Missing

Watching You Tube vids and thinking about either eating something or going to bed is a normal thing for me every night, but tonight I feel like something is missing and I can't figure out what it is. 🤔

I mean I just finished a rough work night where I really went too far and I am sure my back and knee will be making me pay for it when I am trying to sleep but i felt fulfilled so that counts for something. Still I feel like something is missing.😖

Tomorrow I can't go to my physical therapy appointment cause my car is getting worked on but at least I have the day off. I am hoping that my body pain is not too much that I can't continue my reorganizing of my kitchen and hopefully my rolling kitchen counter gets put together in the next few days cause that will be really helpful! Al least I got the laundry done yesterday which is a bonus!😉

I don't know, maybe I'm worried about nothing and that's what is missing. Maybe I am not used to thing being okay and less worrisome than they usually are. Maybe that's what's missing. That dread that I usually feel that something is going to go wrong and catch me off guard.😵

Eh, I guess I'll eat something and then sleep on it. Night all.😴

Thinking About Making A Tik-Tok

Those are four words, no I am not counting the A fuck it, that I never thought i would ever say. I'm said it before I am not a fan of it at all, but watching the compilations that I have seen on the You Tube channels lately I am feeling a kinship that I never felt before. Interestingly my daughter was not surprised or against it. She always said that if you don't like what you are seeing on a platform, create it. I love how she gets me so much.🥰

That being said I am a horrible procrastinator so I have to over come that first. Oh and if anyone wonders it's not about using it as a side hustle. Honestly I don't even think I could make a nickel posting but just having an outlet to talk about things that I want to that I don't see people talking about and being fairly down to earth in my midnight ramblings I think some might find it interesting and maybe helpful?🤔

My second biggest obstacle would be me or rather my face. Full transparency...I hate myself. Have for the past 41 years of my life and can't see it changing much in the near future. This means if I don't want to see my face, why would I want someone else to. This means I have to figure out what to post for a background as I talk cause I don't want to be like those all talking posts while you watch someone else doing things. That's just weird to me.😵

I guess that's it really. I mean i found a vid on how to get started the right way in 2025 so I will know all the button to unclick and I even have something that would let me take vids so yeah...I guess the only thing holding me back is...facing the fact that no one will care outside of me about anything and that it is a a delusion of mine and I should just...😶

Well anyway that's it for tonight I guess. Gonna try and get actual sleep tonight cause I want to get some stuff done tomorrow in house as my fight towards organized clutter continues in 2025. Oyasuminasai Mina.😴

Please Stop Comparing Them😓

So I decided to do one last anime rant for tonight. This one is just a personal feeling but it has just gotten stronger and stronger as the season has gone on. Please please PLEASE stop comparing Ameku Takao no Suiri Karte to House MD.😒

For those that don't live in the USA or use a VPN to watch American shows, House MD is a dramedy about a doctor named Gregory House that is an unconventional, misanthropic, cynical medical genius who, despite his dependence on pain medication, successfully leads a team of diagnosticians at the fictional Princeton–Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (PPTH) in New Jersey. That was from IMBD. Now...

Ameku Takao no Suiri Karte is about Ameku Takao Sensei a brilliant yet eccentric director of investigative pathology at Tenikai General Hospital, in charge of diagnosing patients the other hospital departments cannot. However, due to her love of solving mysteries, Takao also gets involved with mysterious deaths and murders, all while dragging along her assistant Takanashi Yu Sensei in her various adventures. Again this is from the novel description.🧐

Now what do they have in common; Well they are both super smart. That makes sense. Both Ameku Sensei and Dr. House have people in charge that they butt heads with naturally. They also diagnose patients in unique and unconventional ways. Again that all makes sense. Now lets see what is different.🤔

Oh yeah...HE'S PSYCHOTIC! House is also dependent on pain meds so yeah addiction. What's Ameku Sensei addicted to? Sweets and picking on Takanashi sensei dragging him out to do silly things like cafes and movies...wait, those are date spots...ugh we can only hope thanks to the ED. 😋

i also know that House has a downward spiral multiple times from his addiction and his mental breaking moments. I do acknowledge that he is much older that Ameku Sensei is but that just means he is old enough to take responsible for reals.🙄

Okay okay I know these are both fictional characters and who really cares whether they are compared. I guess I am just personally bothered that there can be a young female fictional character that solves patient's diagnosis as well as some mysteries on the side and be a good person. Why does there have to be something wrong with them? Why do they have to have a mental defect and not just be quirky? What's wrong with quirky? Doogie Houser MD was quirky...well he was still high school age. Oh and he was played by Neil Patrick Harris from How I Met Your Mother.😅

Anyway, rant over and I just needed to get this off my chest so feel free to ignore it all, but I feel better now so I can sleep...aka read manga till I pass out.😁

Lost Weekend

So the past two days have been super rough for me. Because of my stress and anxiety i did not sleep Thursday night into Friday morning and had to cancel my aqua therapy that morning. Then I tried to fall asleep again and my oldest son's cat kept waking me up so I tossed him out. Then my alarm for 1025 went off that i forgot about. After that just little things kept interrupting me and I think I finally passed out at like noonish and woke up to my 3pm/1500 alarm to pick up my daughter at school. 😵

My D&D friend asked me if I would help her unpack her new place so I decided it was a good excuse to stop sleeping so I went and was paid with Italian food for dinner. After that I watched some anime that she needed to catch up on that I already watched and then pretty much passed out when I got home.

Saturday I went to work in the AM and pushed myself farther than I should have with my body pain and ended up in bad shape that I slept till like 9pm/2100 and calling in to work cause i could barely move. Now this morning I woke up to my second son giving me a breakfast sandwich which was delicious but put me to sleep again and when I finally got up it was 5pm/1700.

Spent since then catching up on all the anime that I missed so I can do my recaps and hopefully I can get real sleep tonight so that I don't miss physical therapy tomorrow.

What upsets me the most is I wasted a normal day off from sleeping and then an extra day off from work and got nothing done in the house and it makes me feel lazy and more depressed cause who else is gonna do it but me when the kids are at school/work?

So tired. I did not sleep last night cause I was stressed and anxious. Finally passed out at 0930 but kept being woken up randomly here and there. Got up at 3 finally to pick my kid up from school. Helped a friend move in and was paid in food and just got home an hour ago.

Work tomorrow so passing out now. Will play anime catch up tomorrow...um I mean today.

I Don't Want to Go to Work Tomorrow

Watching random recipes on youtube as I try and decide if I want to go to work tomorrow. It is going to snow about 2 in. here and the schools are already closed but I still have work cause crazy people want bagels and soup in a damn snow storm apparently.🙄

I don't want to go but I already didn't go in yesterday cause I was so tired. Yeah full grown adults have those kind of days too. Plus my son's cat was making it hard to leave the bed so I blame him too.😅

Either way, it is no fun driving in the snow honestly and I know that we will hardly have any guests plus everyone else is going to call in so why should I be the only adult...over the age of 30 that shows up and get stuck there doing the work of 5 people or being made to clean something that no one has cleaned in months just cause I am there. Like 14 years at this place and i am still treated like the kids, no offense to anyone specific, that just started or have been there like a year. I've been there longer than all my managers for fuck sake!😒

Anyway so yeah, I really can't afford it especially since I don't know what is going on with my tax return or my daughter's survivor benefits thanks to Muskhole getting a hold of our personal info illegally, but I am just tired of being the grown up when my body feels more like a damn senior. I identify with Sophie so much. No wonder it's my fav Ghibli movie.😩

Rant over i guess and i'll go back to watching vids that make me smile and I guess i'll let you know if I decide to go in or not tomorrow.😞

You can say what you want about Sonic X but one thing we can all agree on is that Topaz and Rouge were a thing. Like-

The audacity to put these two together on screen and not have them kiss??

Look me in the eyes and tell me they didn’t have something going on behind the scenes.

They even went on cafe dates outside of work!!

Topaz even got her jewelry! Not to mention in the same scene she was blushing the entire time. 

In what world is that a hetero gaze??

and that’s before even getting into the fact Rouge, the notorious gem thief, gave Topaz jewelry as well before leaving. Like that says so much. 

In summary, these bitches were def more than friends.