Ncs - Blog Posts

Walking around Manchester to raise money for help4heroes please donate to help the people affected by war. https://givepenny.com/team_2tameside_w2_step_2_it_manual #ncs #help4heroes #step2it (at Manchester, United Kingdom) https://www.instagram.com/p/CEFmU7TnYWV/?igshid=143vt9aoym3wy

coming back from ncs (week one) [pt 2]

in case you haven't read pt 1 i hate that i cant post it at once. but carrying on! thursday was definitely the most interesting, watersports was the main event, canoeing and rafting, i almost drowned (i'll get back to that) . so first off we went rafting and just waded around the quarry while also panicking and failing to row away from our other demonic friends, got soaked after having water flicked at us and then row back to shore. everyone was screaming and it was terrifying but amazing. we were getting ambushed and had more water flicked at us as we got onto the canoes, there was a conga line with all 200 people in the marquee and big talent show where i sat next to who im calling bracelet boy (i realised how much i actually liked him after he snapped my glowstick bracelet and my cheeks burst into flame) , i made my first moves towards bracelet boy and accidentally accumulated a squad of wingmen including my ATL.

i probably could've written a whole post about thursday night by itself. i snuck out with two of my best wingmen and we went stargazing and listened to music in the night, i had nettle stings all over my legs and our cameras couldn't pick up the stars but i wouldn't change a thing. we were tucked away in the corner of the campsite in the dark and whenever we saw a flashlight we turned everything off and lied down in the grass while trying not to laugh. at one point we thought we saw boys sneak out of the tents and went to go check which was such an adrenaline rush, upon approaching we heard the voice of a stern staff member and started running, a flashlight quickly approaching and i tripped and grazed my knee but kept running which we laughed about as soon as we got into one of the tents. it was the most exhilarating thing i have ever done.

friday i talked to bracelet boy more and packed away, socialised, play games and made more friends, we took group pictures and i got bracelets insta (i'm screaming internally i've never liked someone so much). he's adorable (is that the right word to describe someone twice your height?) and said our final goodbyes as we got ready to go.

i would do anything to go back. it felt like something out of a dream.

there's so many things that i probably missed but i'll likely come back and edit this post later that's all for now! ~ Amimi

[ Mon, 1st August - 20:27] [ i think i lost the glowstick bracelet :( but i plan on making him a bracelet for when i confess ]

coming back from ncs (week one)

Sat, 30th July - 12:39 i'm back woahhh. this is going to be longgg. the first day of ncs was definitely the worst, but it was still interesting. i got to meet my group and surprisingly most were from my town, i was expecting it to be a lot more mixed with people from different places. the majority of my group (16 people including a Group Leader (GL) and Assistant Group Leader (ATL). in all honesty, my GL was overly enthusiastic and too strict but i really liked my ATL she was super duper cool (i'll talk about her more later) . the part that dragged it down was mainly expectations icl. i thought the place would be a lot nicer than what it actually was (we were expecting cabins but actually stayed in tents, the bathrooms being public were not amazing and the layout was kind of awkward) the food (a poorly made pie) was awful but it slowly got better through the week. the second day was mainly games - we did have a mini olympics but i didn't take part in much so i can't really talk about that - debates, getting to know eachother and a presentation on a sensitive topic - creating a social media campaign which was really cool, one group did a whole rap and it was vibes but they somehow didn't win :(. i made sooo many friends during free time who were mainly from my hometown which i was super happy about. there was some typical teenage drama and oml, tiktok was really not lying when they called it a teenagers love island because it literally was. the third day there was an almost 7-8 hour hike which included lots of activities, it was super sunny out and everyone wanted to go home after the torture but then it was just more free time, small games and activities and chilling so it all calmed down. it did not feel like as short as a time as it was. the days go SLOWWWW. so many instances where i thought it was like 3pm and it was only 11:45am. head on over to pt 2 bc i ended up being so long tumblr would not let me post it lol!

a post about NCS at 00:05am

Monday 25 July 2022 i know when you use 24 hour time format you aren't supposed to specify am or pm but idk i can't say the time without it. it feels like there's something missing i am going on my residential trip for NCS in less than 8 and a half hours, and as a brown girl with strict parents that's exciting

i've scoured tiktok and i'm kinda scared ngl, why is it being described as love island?!?!?! that's like the worst thing you could say. (to any love island fanatics, i do apologise if this is insulting, i have in fact seen one clip of the show in which the islanders seriously discuss how lizard people in suits run the world and immediately noped out and never touched it again) anywaysss my friend kota said it was pretty cool, i'm kinda disappointed because she's not going to be there with me (we signed up with the intention of it being our last summer before we go to different colleges and likely never see eachother again) but oh well. i'm going to be forced to make new friends and do sports. i'm going to scour twitter and tumblr for posts about NCS and then go to sleep see you in five days! Amimi

01:38 AM

I should be unconscious right now, but I can’t sleep. I put the distractions aside, and lay down, and close my eyes... That’s when my thoughts catch up with me. You would think that at a certain point, the human body would simply run out of tears to cry; but if there’s a limit, I haven’t hit it yet this evening.

There are almost certainly connections between the different ideas, images, and recollections currently vying for attention inside of my head. I’m not sure I’m in the right frame of mind however to go mining for insight. Perhaps later.

On Monday, I have my MRI. As tests go, it’s fairly mundane; the most prevalent complaint is that you are required to stay still for a long time inside of a loud, clunky machine.

The MRI is to be conducted both with and without contrast. This means they will need to insert an IV catheter at some point, and inject a special fluid that the scanner can detect.

I’ve had my blood drawn plenty of times. I had an IV last time I was in the ER. (It was certainly annoying; but no more painful than the aforementioned blood draws.) However, my mind continues to gravitate towards - and get stuck on - this step.

I think perhaps it’s because I’m coming to realize that what rattles me most is the perception that I am no longer in control of a medical situation. The more steps required in a given appointment, the more likely the providers will have an efficient operation going, the more likely they are to maintain a pace faster than I am comfortable with.

Last week I had my nerve conduction study / electromyograph performed.

The nerve conduction study was first. I had a very nice technician; a young man named William. He listened to me earnestly when I explained my anxiousness; and did exactly what I asked: took his time, explained everything, and was honest with me about any discomfort I might experience.

Prior to the test, I had been instructed to wear clothing that would leave my arms and legs easily accessible (e.g. t-shirt and shorts, weather permitting). I settled for a sleeveless shirt and skirt that could easily be hiked up as necessary.

Apparently I chose poorly, as William provided a blanket which which I could cover up and prevent my thighs from flashing immodestly. We actually had a really nice conversation about it; where he explained that this was de facto policy for female patients, and I noted that I wasn’t opposed, merely surprised... Because my experience to date had, of course, been so different.

The test primarily consisted of William applying electrical shocks in various places; and measuring the corresponding signals reaching the ends of my extremities. He described this process as “More annoying than painful”, and that’s an assessment that (barring a few full-power shocks) I agreed with.

(To his credit, William had himself been shocked many times as part of his training; and was both sympathetic and informative as a result.)

After an hour of this, William subbed out and the neurologist subbed in; tasked with performing the electromyograph.

At the end of my ER visit, I was referred to the Neurology department; and forewarned that they would most likely want to order this test and that they were sorry it was so uncomfortable. I had similar conversations with my own provider, and the nurse practitioner I saw at Neurology.

The entire time I was thinking to myself: “How bad could it be”? The information I could find online explained that the test was conducted by inserting a needle into various muscles; although not particularly fun, this was no worse than my usual intramuscular injection regimen. Likewise, I undergo electrolysis every two weeks - surely that was the high bar for outpatient-induced pain?

Ah, well.

The neurologist very kindly ensured that I was prepared and had forewarning, and then inserted the needle in the muscle between my thumb and forefinger. I determined later that the needle was conical in design; which made for a less traumatic wound, but also perhaps more discomfort on insertion. Regardless, it was bearable.

I was not prepared for the next step: the neurologist had to move the needle about; not unlike swinging a television antenna around the room in search of better reception. This had me gritting my teeth. On top of that, I then had to flex the very muscle the needle was in; to take more readings.

This process took what felt like a couple of minutes; and once done, he proceeded to measure a muscle in my forearm, and then my bicep. After that it was the front of my shin, the calf muscle, and my upper thigh.

Again, he was very concerned with my well-being; but also rightly discerned that I was more interested in getting the test over than taking a break - so we powered through. Thankfully, as no issues were found on the left side, it was not necessary to proceed to the right.

I burst into tears as soon as I was outside. I can recall only one other time when a medical provider induced such pain that I was white-knuckling the surface of the exam table: after I inadvertently cut my finger open as a young teen; and the attending doctor had to examine the wound (and by extension, manipulate it while his assistants sprayed saline and whoever knows what else in there).

I didn’t think it affected me that badly; but I had to do my shot yesterday, and it was so hard. My hands were trembling, and on my first attempt, the needle barely even pierced the surface of the skin - I was that afraid of how much it could hurt.

Tomorrow I see my therapist. Our last appointment was, unfortunately, cancelled; so it’s been a while. We’ve been working on all the pent-up misery associated with my pre-immigration medical. That’s another subject swirling around in my head; and likely the root of a good portion of what I’m dealing with at present.

I was railroaded; moved through a medical assembly line like a non-person. Every time I feel as if there’s even a slight possibility that might be happening again, it all starts to come back - fear; the belief that I can no longer protect myself; that I am a target of contempt.

That brings me full circle; back to my upcoming MRI. There are several possible outcomes to this test: the best outcome, of course, would be that nothing of note is found. (This would suggest that the majority of my symptoms to date were caused by inflammation of my neural and nervous tissue; and as the inflammation naturally abides, so too will the symptoms.)

Another possibility is that I might have suffered a rare complication in which one’s own immune system attacks the nervous system. This is slightly more concerning, as one of the defining characteristics is permanent lesions of the white matter of the brain.

There is a third and final possibility: that the virus triggered a minor stroke. Such a thing would be unusual for a person of my age; as with so many other rare phenomena however, COVID has demonstrated exceptionally rare complications are surprisingly common once you are dealing with a virus that thinks little of the blood-brain barrier.

As you can imagine, two of the outcomes are terrifying in terms of their lifelong implications.

I’ll have my answer after Monday. For now, I’ll go back to ruing the godforsaken system of wealth transfer this country mockingly refers to as ‘health insurance’; knowing that I could have most likely had my results in hand much sooner if it wasn’t so absolutely vital to consult a third party on whether or not it was actually medically necessary to treat me.

02:35 AM.

Time to try again.