i really wish ppl wouldnt automatically assume im being rude when im actually just uncomfortable yk ?
there don't seem to be many people talking about it even here - does anyone else experience selective/situational mutism? are people just tending to wrap it up with autistic speech difficulty/loss, ""going nonverbal"" etc?
I've really been struggling with communication at uni. this has been a bottleneck in my functionality my whole life but I kind of assumed when I was younger that I would have somehow got over it by now.
it doesn't feel entirely accurate to call myself semiverbal/speaking because in many situations I CAN communicate verbally and my brain generally is very compatible with language. but sometimes that just doesn't matter and I'm just frozen staring like a deer in headlights. it even happens with my husband. it's really scary and feels like I'm behind a wall observing the world but unable to interact with it
I'm realizing I need better strategies for working with this, but I don't know what to do or what will help. I don't have friends or family who deal with it
I started learning sign language because of when I'm so overwhelmed I can't speak. It has brought me so much more joy than I expected being able to communicate non verbally. I will say, language is a social tool. It felt like I was building a bridge to nowhere before I found people to sign with.
All my life, people have asked me why I was so quiet, and assumed I was an extreme introvert even though I enjoy being around people; I just hated talking and being expected to speak.
Now I have classes that are ASL only and my teachers can't get me to shut up! (They're nice about it, clearly it's in a "let the other kids have a chance" kind of way) Whenever I'm speaking and I can't think of how to express myself in English, my hands will find the words first. And when I'm with someone who understands, it feels so freeing!
One more time I wanna emphasize: Sign Language will help you communicate, but only with people who know sign language. And when you find those people, it is so worth it!
This goes for selective mutism, semi-verbalism, any sort of condition where someone who is generally able to communicate verbally loses the ability to do so
Thanks: asl open-palmed gesture, mouth to other hand (or a nod with a closed eye smile)
Help: wide intense eye contact and emphatic gesturing. Rigid movements
Happy: silly facial expressions, The Fangirl Gesture, wiggly squidward arms, relaxed posture
Anxious: repetitive cyclical motions in hands, arms, face, and feet. Pinched mouth, tension, squishing self into small space, rocking on balls of feet, tapping teeth together, shaking out hands
Sad: slow movement, quiet, rubbing hands or arms or neck. Zoned out, sighing
Anger: rubbing palms with thumbs aggressively, clenched jaw, avoidance, scratching forearms or legs, tugging on own hair, furrowed brows, no eye contact at all, hiding, leaving
Care abt u: buying things u spoke of, pebbling, talking to you often as manageable, sitting with you doing nothing, sitting with you when choice seating, bonking head into your shoulder/ upper arm, smiling at u upon eye contact when first seeing, looking into things u spoke of, trying to figure out how to resolve your problems, inviting you to adventure, showing you creations, sharing special interest
Need comfort/support: Sudden head/shoulder leaning into your shoulder or back, standing slightly to the side and behind you, dramatic groan and flop onto a surface, shoving self into small space or burying self in smth heavy
Don’t Like/ uncomfy w/ You: avoid you, only act cold/professional with you, intense eye contact, only ever American Stranger Smiles at you, doesn’t perpetuate conversation
For fun:
-hnarglebarg
-heedlyhoodly
-sneepsnop
-weyll flip my flapjacks!
-keskeh keskeh keskeseh
-binglebongledingledongleswingleswongle fo-fingle-fo-fongle
-kekekekekkekeekkekeke
Calling someones attention to something or to my presence:
-heehoo
-eh!
-hm!
-ezqueedly me
Expression of discomfort:
-mmmMMMM 😡
-*big sigh of chest hurts from anxiety*
-*narrating everything I’m doing with lots of “um” and “ok, uh,” etc*
-*musical fake laughter*
-I contain multitudes
-what’s your favorite day of the month?
Sounds of “I want something from you” usually accompanied by gestures:
-M!
-N!
-Eh!
-*name of person said dramatically*
Notes: I am not a child I just struggle with word finding and formulating my thoughts, especially when I’m struggling with my senses.
Most of the people I spend a significant amount of time with start using some of my stims and odd forms of communication. I often don’t need to do anything other than hum the correct intonation of a phrase to get my point across.
If you don’t know why I would say random things when stressed, its a combo of when I was figuring out (and making fun of) small talk combined with “I need something to leave my body and rn it’s gonna be words”
not be able communicate by words means… constantly be misunderstood. misinterpreted. not have any way show own perspective, your side of story. your story always written talked about interpreted read thru other people.
someone did something wrong you. someone hurt you. someone say wrong thing…
someone make up malicious thing about you. maybe that you rude ungrateful bad temper behavior problem. it now become truth it now become you because there no way you correct them.
you can’t educate them. you can’t explain it to them. nevermind that, for example, you severely disabled n having symptoms that impact quality of life, or have symptoms that dare inconvenience people - can only watch as people around you speak “for” you not with your interest in mind but of their own selfishness - that people who can communicate by word say you only do that because you lazy, you selfish, want attention, on purpose, just want to for no reason, faking, inherent personality flaw.
not just big things. more often it those small things that build up every day, happen tens n hundreds of times each day, every day, every week, every month, every year… more often it those small things that add up that break you.
imagine everything bad, incorrect, & bad and incorrect thing said about you in your life. n now imagine you not able defend yourself, explain yourself, or even say those wrong not true.
n any attempt of yours to maybe protest, not enough, people not understand, or downright not listened to, made fun of. at first you shake head make noise meaning no all calm. after while of it not work you get frustrate n it start showing. you get impatient n snappy, why none of you understand, is any of you even trying. but people around you with privilege of able communicate n defend self thus never have experience of not have that, find it such basic of skill that they no longer see it as acquired skill but instead see as innate, born in, natural, cannot imagine person not have it just like can’t imagine living person not breathing—they only see their perspective n only see their interaction n not the many, hundreds n thousands, of previous communication where no one understood you (or even tried to). so they mock you (sometimes they the one who on purpose provoke you to see your reaction like you monkey in cage for their entertainment), geez big reaction why can’t you be patient. n you get label, impatient, rude, explosive, anger issues.
you protest in only way you can without words. you do it by sounds n noises n movement. you raise voice you scream you smash thing around you you hit yourself in frustration you hit other people who don’t understand you because you frustrated at their incompetence n how much they failing you. because. show me another way person can communicate without words. show me way that one can continue do after tens n thousands of misinterpretations n miscommunications n malicious interactions.
you communicate in only way you can with only emotion you can feel at this point: anger, frustration, helpless. be misunderstood, even smallest innocent one become trauma become trigger. miscommunication alone can set it off, make you see red n see billion of previous miscommunication where everyone failed you n left you to fend for self. then the backhanded jab that sometimes follow, that make thing exponentially worse.
you communicate in only way you can with only emotion left you can feel that consume you. loud sounds, screaming, get physical. it not earn you be understood. it only earn you this: be called impatient, irrational, explosive, land mine, rude, ungrateful, annoying…
“behavior issues.”
and that’s another misinterpretation of you you can’t defend yourself against. cycle repeats.
n other verbal people only listen to other verbal people. so these descriptions of you become “your truths”.
n the true you left there. to rot.
a lot people with no functional communication (either because no ability, or because circumstances) labeled as have behavior issues. yeah, no fucking shit. try it for a while. anyone would “have behavioral issues” in these circumstances.
no one seem to care. so okay fuck yeah am difficult kid, have behavioral issues, make your life miserable. yeah am terrible person, have internet personality flaw of no fault but my own. except now do it on purpose, make it true now, put ability to control own truth in own hand. because you all seem want me be that so bad. so now you get it. don’t complain now, you all asked for it really really nicely.
but deep down. at most basic. hidden beneath. really just. want be understood. want be helped. want people to learn my communication.
“many behavior is communication” yes, those kind of behaviors should be respected n valued n listened, but try behavior your way out of correcting n explaining everything just said in post to person who just don’t seem to get it
without rely on good grace of nice people around you who keep on play guess games n give out guesses in words you can nod or shake head to. now, that’s cheating.
people not nice to people who *have no choice* but to *only* rely on behaviors & vocal noises to communicate
n, even if every single person nice. behaviors n vocal noises alone, not enough.
this written with full time experience in mind
a way you can help some i/dd and cognitively disabled people is by clarifying what kind of response you want if you're not open to any kind of response
like, specifying that you want comfort or advice or solidarity or some other kind of acknowledgement, or if you want just an emoji or to change the subject, or if you want to close the conversation, like
just fucking communicate. give us feedback. tell us what you want
if you need clarification ask for it. if you need us to rephrase ask for it
we're communicating or verbalizing the only way we know how. and if you're not like this you can't even begin to scrape the fucking surface of understanding how hard it is