Shtmblr - Blog Posts
someone please see i’m struggling and be gentle to me!!! wipe the blood from my skin, hold me, kiss me, comfort me until i feel like something, until i feel like i’m worth existing
I hate everything right now. It feels like my body was made to hold fat. I can’t lose anything anymore. I’m literally so done.
Things have been a bit hectic here lately, so I think I can manage a water fast hopefully!
I feel so gross, I need to cleanse myself somehow.
TW RANT AB MY MOM
Ik I might sound crazy but I want my mom to worry. I want her to feel bad for not realizing the pain I was going through, how bad I’ve been getting. I want her to know that every time she ever said something about me being a bad person it didn’t just affect her, but me too. She thinks that it’s all about her because of her addiction, but I want her to know that she isn’t the only one with problems. She is always going on about her stuff, how much her recovery has changed her, don’t get me wrong I’m really proud of her but it’s like since she has recovered she hates me sm, like whenever she was drinking she would tell me how much she loved me, how special I was, but now that she’s been recovered she can’t even speak without saying something remotely rude about my existence. I want to be the girl she thought I was. I think that If I get bad enough she will start to worry and maybe care again? Idk I’m crazy but whoever made it this far, thanks for listening.
my man said he’s proud of me for not cvtting and said even if i do it’s okay because i’m trying but i reallyyyy don’t know what to do, i haven’t in a few days since i carved his name but i really want to, the urges are so strong but he’s gonna ask me why and a bunch of other shit (he’s studying psychology so he’s always on my ass” WHAT DO I DOOOO
i’m just scared i’m gonna get t worded again
i love all my girly pop moots except the only exception is @styro--boy
what is your favorite song, and also what is your favorite hobby to keep your mind busy? :D
ooo my favorite song would have to be “Someone Somewhere Somehow” by Super Whatevr
my favorite hobbies would have to be ice skating, talking to my man, and calling my friends
how was your day today??
my day was actually very shitty, i went to court, cried, did the ice bucket challenge, argued with my father, cried more, cried, called my man (😍), aaannnddd here we are. the highlight was definitely calling my man, thank you for askinggg
okay so my man wants me to stop cvvtting BUT IT TVRNS HIM 0N SO WHY WOULD I STOPPPP UGHHHH IM HAVING A DILEMMA
i was tryna cvt and my dad knocked on my door asking if we can talk cause we just had a really big fight. i hate getting interrupted istg
this is a little reveal i guess?? not necessarily a face reveal since you can’t see it but you get the idea <3
plz don’t be meannnn
do you got that dawg in you
i do got that dawg in me 🐺🐺🐺
update, i went with my parents and my father lied saying i’m lazy and it’s because of my phone that i don’t go AND said i ran away which is also a lie (he kicked me out) like mf that’s not true. but i have court ordered therapy because they hate me and are trying to take away my personality but when it was over when i was leaving the place my mom pulled me aside to talk abt smth and i started bawling my eyes out because he wasn’t believing me and was believing my father and basically just told me to and i quote “get your ass to school” like mfff
why are you going to court tomorrow (here because your post)
i have to go to court for truancy, i never go to school 😭
oopsiessss
i’m so scared, i have to go to court tmr for truancy.
wish me luck
This song is how i feel on a daily basis, this is no joke i genuinely feel like this and it is the worst thing, i have so much emotion packed inside of me yet i cant cry and that doesn’t make sense or i cant when i want to anyway. Im holding it back but why i js i cant. All i need by radiohead is how feel all the time, think of me once in a while, take care is how i feel all the time, left alone is how i feel all the time, i want you to love me is how i feel all the time, a million songs song in tune to the melody of my soul, they sre the melody pf my soul but fuck its getting to much now. I feel everythibg so deeply but i only feel the empty, im so full of it its consuming me and eating me whole, i want to feel what a real emotion feels like again, i know what it sounds like, what it looks like but when can i feel it because ot feels like im gonna implode. Theres so much i wanna say, but i dont know where to start. Thats a quote from one of my favourite films tbat i watched for the first time recently’i belive in unicorns’. This video os really how i feel aswell, the twat diddnt seem to love me af my lowest, its so fucking intese it visibly pours from my eyes and my mouth and basically im a dissolving wreck of a broken mind, when it hits it hits hard because it’s everywhere, you see it in my room and on my body and its in my head and its the way i est, sleep, function in life. It was too intense for the cretin to handle that even the bare minimum of reassurance caused me to receive annoyance and yelling, The second request on my autumn wishlist stems from this. Love me how i love you which means at my lowest, at my highest, through all my flaws, quirks and all that i have to show; for you i would but when is it my turn to fucking feel love. I felt loved for a short amount of time but with the fact it was a short amount of time means it was short lived so even throughout the initial relationship i did feel how the creature changed, grew less attentive, didnt care as much, not payong as much attention and not putting enough time aside for me and partly thst is my fault for allowing them to act like that ss even thogh they did ask i js said everything was fine to everything because im scared of being physically hurt os shouted at or them losing love for me. I am so fucking lonely snd even tho i have friends it js doesnt feel like the pure human connection i crave. I hate living. im no longer scared to die and only its something sought after. Theres so much i wanna say but idk where to start.
i really need a fucjung hug, a cigarette snd someone to talk to im literally about to kms i cant do this anymore. i fucking cant
anyway heres a poem or wtv
drenched in my own misery,
physically visible on my skin,
intoxicated by the burden of deeply felt emotions,
deep as the sea,
i wish to claw through the skin of my chest,
past my ribs,
to gauge out my already broken heart.
blood on my hands as my tears burn through my skin,
maybe ill melt into the ground,
maybe once the essence of my existence has disintegrated into the ground and my bones are the only part of me left,
maybe then someone will truly care for what i have gone through.
𝓲 𝓸𝓷𝓵𝔂 𝓮𝔁𝓲𝓼𝓽 𝓸𝓷𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓮₊˚⊹ ࿔
~🔮🌞🥀~
~i find raw emotions beautiful, the ‘uglier’ they are the more beautiful i think they are because its genuine. Im disgusted but also mesmerised by my own emotions. I only ever want to get worse. ive never had any wish to recover. It hurts but its the hurt that i feed off. if thst makes sense. time and time again i tend to imagine myself at the bottom of a tower thats like a prison, sprawled out on the floor. suffering because i’d finally let myself succumb to my mental illness. I dont know if any of this even makes sense.i i think its time for a cigarette🫶💖i dont wanna live(ldr reference) but atleast music is good~
𖦹₊ ⊹Anyway heres a poem~
how to never stop being sad
let the anguish fester inside of you,
let the chilling hands of this demon become your embodiment,
let the waterfall free from the imprisonment of your eyes,
drain yourself of the blood congested in your veins,
drench yourself in the crimson trickling into the crevices of your body,
as if swimming in the deepest body of water,
let yourself drown,
become the sorrows you fear,
depleted as you begin to embrace the void,
leave it free to poison your mind and body till your left an empty carcass,
walk through the simulation of life,
a living dead girl,
the void in your eyes so potent,
let the torment orchestrate your life.
~.°˖✧ 1 of 89 poems ✧˖°.~
im not so sure whether i like the poem or not but its there to read anyway<3🫶💖
~𝜗𝜚
no one really cares for what i have to say, not even my ‘friends’.this blog is like my safe space idk.i spent ages trying to make this perfect.hopefully this post reaches the girls(and non girls) that get it!💖
⋆⭒˚.⋆if your reading this i love you ₊˚⊹ ᰔ
~𝜗𝜚
Song im listening to~
(i do this because i love music and im always listening to music and i like letting people know what im into)
I know - Fiona Apple
everyone on this app is too real i swear. or maybe its just the side of tumblr im on. whatever but i smoked 9 cigarettes today. ive been up for 4 hours. i feel great. ill probably post like poems amd song lyrics on here idk i write poetry. whoever is reading this i love you<3🫶💖
my spotify link because my music taste is amazing🙌
idk this app is my safe space
current song playing -
bag of bones - mitski 🌀