Struggling - Blog Posts

these fucking paris scenes....

I follow a couple Gideon rp blogs (and one of them reblogs me so HII ) and I wanna so badly say some dumb shit like "hi" in their ask box but then I'm gonna look desperate and stupid

Public Service Announcement:

Honestly I really need to rant but I’m gonna make this as short as me... 

To the grown 40 something year old men who continue to message me inappropriate things: I AM NOT INTERESTED NOR DO I WANT TO SEE IT.  I have had this happen to me multiple times and not only does it make me uncomfortable but it’s low key hella scary. I seriously am tempted to leave tumblr because of this. I come on here because I expect to feel safe and be able to be unapologetically myself. But now when I come on here and see these messages all it does is make me feel bad about myself and anxious.  I KNOW THAT I AM MORE THAN THIS CLOWNERY AND WILL NOT LET THIS DISRESPECT KEEP HAPPENING. It ends now.  (NOTE: This does not apply to everyone it’s just been happening so much lately that I need to get it off my chest.) 

Thank you for attending my Ted talk.

Crying, screaming, sobbing, hating this 'easy' homework

"How do you see yourself in the future?"

How much from now? What do you want to know? Do you want to know what I plan to do professionally? Academics? If I want a family? If I have my own place? My physical changes? Mentality? What-do-you-want-to-know???????

And how do I convert my depressing answers into something the school won't send me to see the counselor for or into something that won't make them question if I'm autistic or smt

Day 11: Psych 101 || Defiance/struggling 

I originally planned on making this one with random villains but I was too lazy to come up with brand new designs so I just used some characters from the League. That’s kinda why Dabi and Twice are mostly hidden ._. 

Ever since Kryptos could remember, nothing good ever happened to him unless he worked tooth and nail to achieve them. He had learned to do whatever it took to get as far as he could. He had learned to be loyal to only himself.

Then he took a gamble and decided to work with Dipper.

This time, he didn't plan on betraying her.

"you don't have to complete this drawing right now you can always come back to it later--" i have adhd and if i stop at any given point then this project will be dead to me, there will be no coming back to it later

I can't stand people who constantly ask for help but try to turn around and bite you when you try to help them. If I'm pointing out a pattern in your behavior that keeps leading you to ruining friendships, relationships, etc, don't be mad at me for what you've done to yourself. If you're wondering why everyone keeps breaking up with you a you keep losing friends, and someone who literally grew up with you tries to tell you that you're the problem, then maybe you are. That's not always the case, but you can't just sit there yelling over someone because you don't want to hear it. You can just walk away.

If you're in a public part of someone's house on speaker phone, people can hear your conversation. Be mindful of yourself. If your partner tells you that you've been immature, and someone wants to help you fix that, you don't have to accept the help. But you also shouldn't be a massive douche about it. Don't beg me to help you with random things in the middle of the night (for free, I might add) and then come back later and catch an attitude with me over the smallest things.

If I've talked you out of suicide, done your homework for you (even though you always agreed to pay me but never did), covered for you to keep you out of trouble, cooked for you, cleaned up your messes, given you advice every time you asked for it, and come to get you out of a rough spot, don't snap at me over nothing and then turn around and act like it never happened just to ask for my help again. If it's mental illness, you could at least apologize, but no. Nothing ever seems to be your fault. You never see how you could possibly be in the wrong. Don't stay up until it's time for you to leave and wonder why you're tired, stressed, and sickly. Don't keep hanging out with bad people and wonder why all of you keep getting into trouble, getting arrested, and fighting each other. Don't be overly demanding of your partners, walk all over them, act like you're better than them, constantly catch an attitude with them over nothing, start arguments over tiny things, and verbally assault them and then wonder why none of your partners are what you want them to be or why your relationships keep failing. Don't run around the house, stomping, blaring music, screaming in party chat, cackling, and singing at the top of your lungs at 3 am and then wonder why everyone is annoyed and glaring at you. Don't you DARE ask for divination constantly (once again for free) and then turn and tell me that my tools are "just a stupid necklace" or "just some dumb, cheap cards" after I get upset about being disrespected. Especially knowing full well that you've done much worse for much less.

Everyone is done with you. The person who was supposed to raise you had given up, so I will too. They weren't doing a good job in the first place, but everyone can only handle so much BS from one person. A lot of the problems in your life are entirely your fault, yet you never believe you're in the wrong, no matter how many times I not only try to warn you and help to prevent these things, but also help you pick up the peices afterwards. I'm done with you. I have no more sympathy left for you. The next time you drink to much, I'm doing the bare minimum. If you're not dying, piss off. The next time you smoke too much or smoke something too strong, I'm not helping you. The most I can do is call and ambulance. The next time you threaten to end it, I'm calling an ambulance. You don't want to be sent to the psych ward, but you definitely need it. It's not because of most of these complaints either. You genuinely need someone to keep you from hurting yourself.

I hope to get away from you soon and never have to speak to you again. Every little thing you do just wears away my nerves. You like to switch up and treat people like dirt whenever your friends are around. Your voice is so loud and grating, yet you don't care that you're bothering people. You're always touching someone or their belongings without permission, no matter how many times they tell you to stop. You only care about anything or anyone when it's your partner. You'll cook a whole continental breakfast for them but won't clean up your mess. Then, you go and waste food. They never eat it and you usually throw it away. YOU'VE HARASSED AND ABUSED THE FAMILY PETS and then you wondered why they don't like you. You acted like you hated me ever time your crush or your little friends came over. You've talked shit about me within earshot, and women me up by harassing with because you thought it was hilarious. Don't forget about the time you went in my room to steal my stuff and hide it, or how you read my diary and tried to run off with it. I only hope that you stop acting like this. If you keeps this up, I hope you get what you deserve. You can run away if you want, but it won't have the effect you think it will. Someone will miss you, but it won't be me.

In short, you make my ass itch.

I don't want to be a productive member of society. I want to make my art, play my games, and rest. Every little thing overwhelms me.

Having to get up everyday and maintain my body is exhausting.

Maintaining relationships is exhausting.

Having to get up and work while looking presentable is exhausting.

I'm so tired of being demanded of anything and everything. And I know I probably won't be able to rest until I'm either old and senile or dead.

I didn't ask for this, yet here I am...Slowly rotting away. There's no time to truly enjoy life, work, and be both physically and mentally healthy simultaneously, for the majority of your time.

I just want to get out of here and find true joy.

I hate it here so much. I hate struggling when everyone else seems to be doing just fine. I hate being depressed over a job when most adults can work, have a family, do chores, and be social, all without being so overwhelmed that they want to end it all. Just having a job is killing me. I feel like I'm drowning and everyone else is swimming laps around me. What am I supposed to do? Why am I feeling like this. It's just stocking shelves. It's not like I have to do school stuff in top. But I keep making so many mistakes, and my body is so tired. My mind is tired. I want to quit, but everyone is finally proud of me. It's hard to be ashamed of someone who recently died by their own hand. I don't want to keep drowning like this, but I can't find a way out.

Like, which devil did u sell ur soul to and can I have their number pls

Man. I have no idea how artist can just... Start a drawing. And then... Finish it???

Update <3

I've seen everyone that asked to be tagged in my full fic, and I will I promise!

I have to study for finals. I have two super important ones on Monday kill me and then a final due Tuesday im gonna cry in the shower tonight.

:')

some loving thoughts and motivational words might help if yall would like to send them in.

im UPSET

IM TIRED OF NOT HAVING A FLIP PHONE. I WANT THE DOCOMO FUJITSU F-06D NOW.

LOOK AT IT!!!

When am I ready?

We work very hard for things we want and for others that we don't. But it's about all right. However, mostly our efforts turn out to be fruitless. Why is this? Why isn't my book published yet? Why am I not married?

Most often we question the methods and the degree of our commitment but other times simply accept failure. None of this and at the same time all of this is right. How can that be?

Firstly, we can never work too hard. There's always a bit more we could do. Yes, even when we feel we've done our best. It is constantly possible to push a little harder, to get somewhat better. And there are times, when our work needs polishing. It's extremely hard to admit, when what we think we've worked for with all our might, cries out for being corrected. It's truly damn difficult to say, that it isn't that good after all.

Secondly, we easily get obsessed with a wide range of variety of things, from what we ought to keep ourselves far. And then it's inevitable, that we lay down our weapons and armours, and whisper lowly: I give up. Then we become free to do what can work for us.

But no matter what we do and how we do it. Sometimes we are destined to achieve success at certain fields, still, we struggle and yet get nowhere. That's because we might not be quite ready. The Oracle tells Neo in the Matrix: Sorry, kid. You got the gift, but it looks like you're waiting for something. And sometimes, very rarely, it looks like we're all waiting for something, just don't know what. We think we'll know when we see it. But it's not something we can see or something that's basically external. No. Just like in Neo's case, we've got to start believing. Faith is the last barrier, that separates us from entering the promise land.

Can we have cane nooks in public bathrooms?

Like I was just in a library bathroom and my cane kept sliding while I was washing my hands and it was super hard to hold onto my cane and wash my hands.

It would be helpful if there were dips in the counter in-between each sink so I can rest my cane in there and not have to worry about it falling.

I am so far behind on my school work and am not able to go to school because of it. I am so burnt out and stressed and feel like giving up. I am also trying to get a job online because if I were to try and get a normal job, I would not be able to keep up with it, myself, homework, and still be able to do things I enjoy. My teachers and school is great when it comes to accomodations and late work, but it is a matter of me getting things done.

I don't think it's bad to love money but life over everything! Love over everything! Truth over everything! Humanity over everything!!

Rethink homelessness

Hear me out

weapon designing? arguably harder than character designing.

I can make my character wear a business suit and top hat and call it a day, but a weapon? oh no no no, I need to know what type of weapon it'll be, what shape the blade is going to be, what the hilt will look like, what the handle it will look like, and make sure it's style matches the character and media it belongs in, etc.

here are some examples...i havent figured out the prices yet (if anyone even comissions)

most things would be pencil on paper but i could make some stuff with markers (example: human headshot) and the quote thingie one would be made with markers but not colorized (so only lineart)

i know everything here is a bit messy...if people start showing interest i’ll make a more organized post with the prices and examples and stuff...

help

sup lads...so my graphic tablet started acting up...worse than usually.

and there is a chance i’ll have to buy a new one:/ and cuz im v broke i cant afford it rn. so im thinking about opening traditional art comissions; i’ll see about what its gonna be but im thinking humans (not too complex), animals (probs canine and feline) and something with quotes made on a better kind of paper...i’ll see how the comissions work out tho...

officially they’re not open yet but if anyone wants yall can dm me about it.

please help, every reblog counts

comission examples will be on the next post