Tw: Alcholism - Blog Posts

Alcoholic Belos real!?

I am completely not normal about Love for Love's sake.

It brought up so much pain, so much emotion and trauma that I'd buried deep inside for the sake of my sanity. It opened up this small chest of sadness I carry with me at all times, and all of the things I thought I had worked through spilled out. Tae Myung-ha is a character I relate to on such a visceral level, from his perpetual weariness to his self-destructive tendencies. I relate to feeling like you're older than everyone else around you, like you already know better, like there is no point in trying.

In the very first scene we already get the feeling that something is wrong with Myung-ha. That question from Sunbae - I swear to god, I've had people say the same thing to me, and I answered in the same dismissive and sarcastic tone. Yes, I am drinking like I want to die, but, unfortunately, it's not working. So I'll go on drinking like that to see how far I can go before I keel over.

When my girlfriend said she loved me for the first time, I held her and caressed her cheek but I was screaming internally. I was doing my best not to run away. I swear to god I could hear the error alarm going off in my head. I accepted the fact that her and I have very differing views on what love is, and I tried so hard to prove to her that she didn't actually love me, that it was just infatuation, that it was too soon, that she was yet to know the real me, so she couldn't love me, right? Then I realized that I was hurting her, because throwing someone else's feelings in their face is a cruel thing to do, especially to my girlfriend, who has issues with expressing her feelings.

I still don't believe her. And I am trying so hard to accept the fact that people love me in the way they do.

One of my friends once told me that I needed to rely on others, that she loved me and cared for me, and that I needed to accept that. Refusing to accept someone's love for you can be just as hurtful as not being loved at all. Other people love you, and it's important to show them you appreciate their love.

He doesn’t know what to make of it.

It’s ugly and it’s not, it’s beautiful and it’s not, it’s simultaneously everything he could have wanted and everything he dreaded.

She was leaving him.

She was leaving him, and wasn’t that fantastic? Wasn’t that horrible? Wasn’t that everything he could think of, alone but together with himself and a bottle that he could’ve sworn had fused to the callouses on his fingertips, had been superglued there and never ever left.

She was leaving him.

He still had his wedding ring, stuck to his finger in a different way than when you try on a ring and have to take it off with soap and water and time. It was stuck by the adhesive of his own mind. Trapped. He couldn’t take it off, couldn’t bare to pry it away.

She had taken hers off long ago, so why was his still stuck, like the bottle to his callouses and to his lips and permanent streams of saltwater that clung to his cheeks for days and days and days? Why?

All of his breaths were shudders and all of his thoughts were endless strings that never had a conclusion, an essay with an infinite word-count. He could still see the amber spilt on the floor through watery eyes, and still found it ironic that he was back to crying over spilt milk and spilt Jack Daniels and spilt tears and he was crying over everything and nothing and whatever was in between, so why did it matter anyways?

He clenched the bottle even tighter in his hand, and he wasn’t sure how much of it was alcohol and how much of it was his own tears at this point, and he knew he had to stop.

He had always known he needed to stop. He knew he needed to stop the first time he took a secret sip from beer in the fridge and the first time he had a serious hangover and the first time and the first time he met her and the first time she left him and the first time she came back and the first time she left a second time.

So many firsts. To him, the milestones didn’t matter a single bit. To him, all that mattered was that he didn’t have to care about what really did matter. And he was incredibly proficient at that in particular.

So he was good at knowing when to quit, but he was never quite as good at quitting. He was still stuck on that one time she smiled at him and she had looked so genuine, so real, and how she had looked just as real and tired when she said that she wanted a divorce and that she had had another.

She had another, didn’t she? Of course she did, she was always good at back-up plans and back-up-back-up plans. He knew it when she had a beer spilt on her shirt that neither of them liked (like the Jack Daniels on the floor and the milk knocked over to the ground and his heart to hell fires). He knew it when she came home with her lipstick smeared and with her eyes wild, he knew it when she stopped looking him in the eye and started looking at the wall behind him.

(The last time she looked him in the eye she told him straight to his face that she had another.)

(The last time he looked her in the eye he didn’t say a word.)

He stood up and slipped on the whiskey and prayed to whoever was out there that he wouldn’t be able to get up. It didn’t work.

It never worked, did it? Whoever was out there doesn’t care much for people like him anyway, and he could hear in the back of his head the whisper screams of ‘alcoholic’ and ‘acute mania’ his own screams weren’t loud enough. The shards of the bottles scattering everywhere when he smashed them to drown them out hid under his couch and beneath the coffee table to escape him and he understood why, because he was running from himself too, like her.

He didn’t know if there was a God anywhere.

Your drunk father burnt down your house when you were a little girl. You cough up dollhouse plastic from time to time. It smells like your mother's garden where she is buried. When you chase down a bottle of Jack, smoke roils in your lungs. It still smells like your mother's garden.

So, basically someone sent me an ask and when i was going to respond them i accidentally deleted the ask😳😅😭

Sorryyy! But as an apology, i will write what you sent! (Whoever you are…)

They asked for a Dr. phantasmo with a party animal reader, buuuut… i’ll also write Dr. Phantasmo stuck in a children’s party! :D (why you ask? Well, it’s because i am STUCK in a children’s party. More precisely, my cousin’s party. And it’s HELL, i mean the noises and the other children, not my cousin: i love her greatly🥰 but as someone who’s autistic, being in a children’s party is a hellish nightmare😵‍💫 and i wanted to share my suffering with Phantasmo haha! >:D)

☆~Dr. Phantasmo with a party animal darling~☆:

You two have met when you were getting out of a club and you were drunk. You were staggering to one side to another until you fell against a certain mad scientist’s chest: the doctor himself, Phantasmo.

At first he was very irritated that you fell on top of his chest and you were now giggling and flirting with him. But then he soon saw this as an opportunity to take advantage of you: he would take you to his mansion and experiment on you!

And that’s pretty much what he did: he brought you over his shoulder and carried you without too much trouble.

Although… T-oby would not be very happy with his dad taking advantage of someone who’s intoxicated by alcohol and would try to convince him to take care of you until you were sober and better:

T-oby: Hi dad! How was your day? :D

Phantasmo: . . .it was very shitty but now i brought someone to run some tests on~ so let’s just say that it wasn’t a completely useless day~

T-oby: …Dad… is this person drunk?

Phantasmo: . . .

T-oby: . . .

Phantasmo: . . .

T-oby: …answer me.

Phantasmo: …They may be just a little itty bitty drun-

T-oby: Alright then, that’s all i need to know: YOU are NOT going to take advantage of this person like that.

Phantasmo: and how exactly are you going to stop me from doing so~?

T-oby: *smiles smugly* you won’t have energy for your experiments~ without me you are basically a mad scientist without experiments~

Phantasmo: ……I fucking hate you……

And so Phantasmo took care (much to his resistance and displeasure) of you: he gave you some hot soup and cookies; he forced you to drink a very disgusting medicine to make you feel better of your drunken state; he checked your temperature and did other things of what usually someone would do to take care of someone drunken.

At all times you were flirting a lot with him: you would call him handsome; big marshmallow and your “boo” (he would slap hard his face on that one, lol). Hell you were even politely trying to “steal” a kiss from him (of course, that wouldn’t happen: he would place a finger on your lips to stop you from doing something you would soon regret if you did that… of course, that didn’t stopped you from sucking his finger teasingly gfhgfhfghfgf his will was of slapping you for such insolence, but T-oby stopped him just in time hggfhfggfhgghfg)

After you have finally fallen asleep, he would admire you in your sleep:

Phantasmo: huh… even if they are a little TOO bold… they certainly are quite attractive… wonder if this will… wake them up…

And then he kissed your forehead and caressed your cheeks…

On the next morning (after you have woken up with a hangover), you worriedly looked around and wondered where you were until you saw Phantasmo floating closer towards you:

Phantasmo: gooood morning sleeping beauty~ did you sleep well~?

Y/n: …i… t-thank you for taking care of me… did i gave you any trouble…? I usually tend to be a little… bold when i’m drunk…

Phantasmo: ohoho yes, you were a headache to me… but also~ *lifts y/n’s chin with a finger* you were also really flirty with me~

Y/n: o-oh…! S-sorry about that… did i make you uncomfortable with my comments…?

Phantasmo: nah, at first i was annoyed but… then i started to enjoy it~… say: may i have your number~?

And after that you two exchanged a lot of messages and video calls. And slowly, were falling in love~ ;3

When you both started dating, you would always drag Phantasmo to the billion of parties you were always invited… and of course, Phantasmo always hated going to every single one of them…

He would soon notice that you could get easily high with the alcohol and that it was a very frequent occurrence too every time you went to a party. He was starting to grow worried about you and decided to set some boundaries to stop your alcoholic addiction:

Phantasmo: y/n… we need to talk.

Y/n: urgh, here it comes the alcohol specialist…

Phantasmo: hey, don’t act so stupid with me! I am only looking out for you! You should be grateful to have someone who cares about you! Unlike your so called frien-

Y/n: HEY, don’t you DARE shit-talk about MY friends! You don’t know what they have done to help me get through!

Phantasmo: oh yeah? Well, they surely don’t seem to give a shit about you when you go drunk mode: i’ve heard them every time you get drunk, they mock you and say horrible things about you! They also say horrible things about me and you don’t even try to defend me!

Y/n: ohoho here it comes the victim blaming! Of course they would say shit about you: you’re a VILLAIN buddy! They just don’t know you well enough! And you sure are controlling man! I am a damn adult, I do what i want; when i want and how i want!

Phantasmo: *visibly pissed* ohohoho! So is that how it is?! Fine! If you think you’re SOOOO mature and that i am a pain in your ass, you can leave my home and never EVER come back! T-oby, show this imbecile the door!

And so, you two haven’t seen each other for months… you were really starting to miss him and regret all the horrible things you’ve said to him… and you were starting to realize how fake are your so called “friends”

You were slowly losing one by one until you had no one anymore: either because you were starting to become poor or because they just were growing bored of you…

You desperately trying to drown your sorrows with alcohol, you weren’t going to parties anymore… after all, you didn’t have friends to invite you… you started to sob and cry over the counter of a pub until a certain ghost patted your back:

Phantasmo: looks like you have became the very thing you said you weren’t: a secluded person…

Y/n: *sniffing* why didn’t you responded my messages! I was missing you! I regretted what i have said!

Phantasmo: because i asked T-oby to block you… i wanted to see how “well” you would be without me.

Y/n: then how did you find me…? And how did you know that i was at the bottom of the pit?

Phantasmo: your so called “friends” posted about how much of a loser you are and how stupid you were trusting them with your money… say: do you have anywhere to go now?

Y/n: *starts sniffing and sobbing* n-no… i am completely poor man… and my parents have expelled me from home… they called me many horrible things… i… i’m stupid… i’m an idiot… i’m useless…

Phantasmo: …alright, alright… let’s stop this self pitying and sulking… let’s go, i have forgave you.

You hugged Phantasmo really hard and apologized many times… he basically took you under his wings and now you felt even worse about everything that happened between you two…

It sure took a lot of time to heal: both your relationship with him and your alcoholism… but eventually, you two fell in love again!

Phantasmo discovered the reason why you had alcoholism in the first place: basically your life was a living nightmare when you were outside of the parties… your parents hated you; you were failing college because of your bad influences of “friends” and the cherry on top: your family had a history of alcoholic addiction… of course, none of that justified what you said to the scientist… but… it sure explained a lot…

T-oby and Viola were still a little angry at you because of what you said to their father… with time T-ob forgave you but Viola? She definitely rubs in your face every time you and Phantasmo have a fight. Not that you two fight that frequently anymore but…

After you have sworn that you would never drink anything alcoholic again, Phantasmo allowed you to go to parties again… now responsibly: it wasn’t a unhealthy coping mechanism anymore, you could really have true fun.

Phantasmo… he would accompany you because one: he’s jealous as fuck and two: he fears someone could drug you and take you away from him… but he STILL hates parties… (my guy is the type of ghost that prefers to stay at home, you know?)

Now here’s some headcanons about Phantasmo stuck in a children’s party, because i said so muahahaha! >:3

He would be only stuck in a children’s party because of one reason: he’s at the birthday of Cortney’s baby brother

And why would he be there if he hates being in parties? Very well, i shall give you the answer: he’s trying to earn Cortney’s trust so that way he can extract Charlie’s weakness out of her

But oh boy, he sure is regretting his life choices: to the infernal children’s loudly, obnoxiously and annoyingly screaming and crying and chewing food and laughing and- to the fact that he wasn’t feeling very welcomed there. All the parents were looking at him with suspicion and judgment and always warned their kids to not get too close to the “creepy old ghost man”.

Until he was starting to have a panic attack in the middle of the “happy birthday to you”: he was breathing rapidly and steadily and no one was giving a fuck about him… except Charlie, who noticed and quickly tried to take him out of the crowd:

Charlie: hey there buddy… you… surely don’t look so good… you want me to-

Phantasmo: *almost on the verge of tears* y-yes please… take me anywhere but this hellish nightmare!

After Charlie and Phantasmo were out of the building where the party was happening:

Charlie: so? How are you feeling now? Do you need anything?

Phantasmo: ……Why are you caring about me…?

Charlie: uh because you were having a full panic attack over there? Duh. You were scaring the children.

Phantasmo: oh? So i was being a nuisance to you all? Is that it? Was my panic attack a nuisance to you?!

Charlie: hey, hey, hey! Easy there! That’s not what i meant! The children were scared because they thought you were feeling ill! Cortney was probably the most worried about you! Jesus… you really take everything to the extreme and personal level, huh?

Phantasmo: …oh, I’m soooorry okay? I’m not used to people worrying about me!

Charlie: *sighs* alright then, i’ll head back there and-

Phantasmo: No! Please! Can’t you… stay with me for a while longer…?

And so, Charlie stayed with Phantasmo: these two would lay on each other’s shoulders and fall asleep after chitchatting with each other with a beautiful sunset warming them🥰🥹

Phantasmo isn’t the type of guy who likes parties, especially with children… he hates children… (except his own)

He probably has social anxiety and phobia but will never admit it

Every time Charlie notices that Phantasmo is having a panic attack, she brings him to a more calmer and secluded place. Without too much noise and people.

But if he’s all by himself in a party, he calls Charlie and asks her if he can stay at her place…

He feels drained out whenever he’s in a party… he hates interacting with people… unless if he’s asking them questions…