Masking - Blog Posts
i don’t necessarily know who i am, but i know who you are. and that’s enough for me to go off of
I'm trying so hard because this is what me caring about people looks like
But it's insincere apparently.
I'm exhausted.
I have empathy I swear
But if you accused me of insincerity I don't know what I'd say
I felt like an alien pretending to be human when I was engaged. Like "here you should want to do this and you should feel joy about this thing etc".
The biggest “your experiences are not universal” thing I feel is whenever anyone talks about the universality of girls planning their weddings since childhood because. Well. Not me. God bless
"those r just personality traits" but do your personality traits make you take iq tests ? Do they make ppl bully you ? Do they make you think everyone has something going on that they hide bc you've been taught to hide your real self ? Do your personality traits impact every single aspect of your life ? Do your personality traits disable your executive fonction, social abilities, or capacity to care for yourself ? No, they just make you a b!tch Karen ☀️
Friendly reminder that when you only talk about high masking and low masking, you throw autistics who can't mask under the bus.
We're not low masking, we DON'T mask.
This makes us no masking. Not low masking.
Failing to mask
I recently realized that even when I think I'm masking it can be painfully obvious that I'm autistic. Like, I know that a lot of my behaviors aren't "normal" but it never FULLY clicked in my head that people would ACTUALLY be weirded out by me. Does anyone else relate to this?
After a short break, keep working again!
I won't be taking classes because I'm in an internship this semester, but I'm still working in two labs and the obligation to do so is increasing :')
Be prepared to see posts full of articles, even though I'm still not ready to read..
For music: Hakim Bey
{Ladin}
I wish non autistic people could experience the feeling of having a person they feel like they don't have to mask around.
I spent most of Saturday with my Girlfriend, not masking, and I feel the same as I imagine a 2 weeks cruise to the Bahamas feels.
A thing about neurodivergence and masking is that eventually you get to the point of realising that a. masking doesn't necessarily mean masking as "normal"; and b. being able to dictate exactly what kind of weirdo people think you are is often much more valuable. It's like, ha ha, fuckers, now I control the narrative.
Vintage Porcelain Heart
Why must I always have to reshape
Running away trying to make a last ditch escape
From her piercingly cruel expression agape
Failing to escape her sharp talons in my dreamscape
With every little pick and jab at my clay skin
I can only bare it with a hesitant nod and grin
Making her think she will lay claim to a win
As my porcelain heart starts to break within
Why must I continuously try to reshape
Even when her sharpness leaves a bitter scrape
As the thinly veiled hairs stand up on my nape
Always patching my porcelain heart with flimsy tape
With every chip and fracture of my porcelain heart
I’ll pick up the pieces even after I’ve fallen apart
Accepting the chipped porcelain as vintage art
So I can finally be awoken with a fresh new start
Giving up facial expressions has been amazing.
Ok so im learning some stuff about unmasking as I attempt to do it for the first time ... so I figured I'd share in case it helps anyone :)
My ND traits are a natural part of me, but because they aren't habitual yet, unmasking is a conscious, deliberate choice. Simply having ~knowledge~ about my brain will not help me as much as it could if I acted on it
Many aspects of unmasking (especially stimming) feel super forced and awkward sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm faking! It just means I'm out of practice
I've spent my whole life ignoring or denying my own needs, so the little voice in my brain is very difficult to hear. I miss some cues sometimes
My brain is very much like a little toddler tugging on my sleeve. It constantly approaches me with something to say. Treating the voice with compassion allows me to make a choice that I might otherwise deny my conscious self
When I actually started listening to my brain, I realized that I don't like what it's saying. "It's too bright. It's too loud. You don't want to make facial expressions anymore. You're bored. You're burning out." It makes me feel vulnerable. DO NOT IGNORE THE BRAIN, SUNNY. It is saying something for a reason!!!
Take breaks. Take breaks take breaks take breaks. If I have the option to rest but I'm thinking of powering through ... don't. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure
Most people genuinely do not care if I stim. They just vibe with it. Some of my friends and my fiancé even think its cute that my joy is so visible, which makes me feel a lot better about it :)
When I actually do stuff that's good for my brain (creating routines, wearing sensory friendly clothes, scheduling alone time) I reap the benefits! Who'd have thunk it
Sleep is like 90% of the battle
Sometimes I get upset, emotional, and scared about unmasking. I'm ultra-conscious of myself. I wonder how I look to other people. BUT! I am learning learn to defend myself from my own ableism in those little quiet moments where I play with a tangle on the bus or slip away to a quiet space
I am happier. It is coming more naturally. I never want to go back :)
no you won’t be “high support needs” “like me” if you just unmasked, especially if choose to unmask, thank you very much.