Numb - Blog Posts
Quiet? Langst.
The team was resting and made camp. At one point they all stopped and looked at Lance who was standing looking out at the horizon and looked down at his hands. He felt broken.
He no longer knew who he was, he knew they were going back to Earth, but would he even be the Lance his family knew and loved?
It was like the water was calling to me, past the cliff I was standing upon into the vast seas, seemingly clear but endless.
Where is this going?
Don’t leave me alone.
How do I do this all alone?
Activating my jet pack I took a step back swinging my arms as I flung myself off the cliff to soften the fall.
I need to know.
I need to go.
Into the great wide somewhere.
Allura got up screaming as she jumped after him.
Pidge after Allura.
Keith after Pidge.
Followed by Hunk.
When they reached the water and the bubbles cleared out there was a beautiful village filled with merpeople.
Hunk took a moment and looked on the map and froze, “This is the planet me and Lance were on when we were shot out of the wormhole.”
Allura’s tone worried instantly observing her surroundings, “Is this place bad?”
Hunk smiled slightly excited, ”No this was definitely my favorite place I’ve been at in space so far.”
The mermaids swam up smiling happily at Hunk hugging him and thanking him for his heroic acts the last time he was there
Hunk then asked where Lance was and the one mermaid bit her lip, “He’s with the queen and Plaxum.”
Hunk paused as her expression seemed to imply something was wrong, “Do you know why?”
The girl frowned shaking her he’d but nevertheless seemed worried,” No but Lance’s expression was beyond scary as we never thought a person as happy as him could feel so low.”
Keith stepped in needed to see him okay, “Take us to them.”
They were lead through the castle and all walked up to a room the entrance consisting of giant doors. The mermaid tapped on them and the doors opened up to find Plaxum hugging Lance tightly and protectively as he hugged her back and the queen was hovering around speaking to him with a face of sorrow.
“I could tell you were near and not feeling yourself so I drove you to me.”
She gasped looking over, “Welcome back Hunk we’ve missed you! And hello other paladins of Voltron.”
Allura walked up and extended out a hand, “I am princess Allura of Altea, the honors all mine.”
Luxia looked Allura up and down nodding, “Nice to meet you too I am Queen Luxia Of Otorica.”
Allura nodded quickly letting her hand fall to her side slightly embarrassed as Plaxum and Lance went to the back corner of the room where she held his face and smiled sadly at it and the others expected him to kiss her but she knew better than to kiss him and she loved him so much just it became for family like especially after being denied.
A guard stormed in, “The Baku is back-“
Lance snapped his head over his eyes puffy and red but his face gone frozen, “What do you mean?”
The guard huffed, “There is a small creature that is exactly like the one you and Hunk defeated long ago.”
Lance turned to Plaxum, “Shall we?”
Luxia extended a hand out holding an object. Lance looked at her and held his own hand out as she placed the object in his hand. It was his jelly fish hat and he put it on and Plaxum did the same with hers and the two flew out. The entire room had windows around so the Paladins could see it.
Lance blasted off to find a not as big but still very large Baku as it came right at him. People came over and started to attack. Plaxum grabbed Lance close to her and he held her, protecting her as she handed him bombs and he chucked them at people dodging all attacks inflicted torwards him and the Baku constantly was a pain in the ass.
Lance bit his lip begging for Blue, “Common Blue... I need you for this. Please girl.”
The Baku slammed into Lance who used his jet pack to recover and blasted off to The Baku and gasped for air when exposed as when the Baku rammed into him his helmet flew off. The blue lion roared and Plaxum was in the lions mouth like last time he grabbed the Baku and slammed it into a rock wall. Blue used it’s claws to climb up the wall as the Baku swam after him. His lion pressed off the wall doing an impressive flip and blasted the worm causing its blue guts to fly everywhere and all the sudden it sparked and electrocuted Blue. Lance let out a bone chilling scream.
Floating lifelessly Lance gasped for hair as blue grumbled, the calling of Plaxum waking him up. Groaning as his eyes slowly adapted to the light. He heard his team approaching.
Rushing to Lance who immiedietly gained composure grabbing onto the seat turning on gravity listened to thumping.
Chucking knowing they all fell they still ran in swarming his asking if was okay touching him and their gaze hovering over him.
Lance didn’t respond swatting at them and he couldn’t bring himself to feel any emotion.
Upon everyone leaving along with Lance, Allura pointed to Lance and turned to Plaxum begging for answers, “What is wrong with Lance?”
Plaxum crosses her arms, “You are your ‘team’ broke him, you stripped him clean of himself because none of you liked the real him and when he tried to change you then just ignored him is what I’m talking about.”
Allura and the team who had over heard looked to Lance making his way back to the castle with horrified expressions gasped.
In a small voice Keith was slapping his forehead feeling like an idiot, “Oh god, what have we done!”
I start this year. Numb with anger.
I feel numb, I don't want to think about anything. It's too much. I didn't want to wake up today. I have a lot to take care of and think about but I just don't have it in me to tend to anything.
I feel numb.
*Language Warning*
Fuck people. Fuck feelings. Fuck crushes.
Current mood = Brown clouds
I just feel so super empty and numb today. I miss surfing. I miss my parents. I miss my old friends. I miss dancing. I miss falling asleep to k-dramas and walks to grams. I miss caring. ED... Why did you do this to me? I'm locked in a cage with you and I want to escape but without you... Without you I feel like I lose myself. Maybe I just hate myself. I hate this.
"talk more!!"
People: "you should speak more!"
Me:*tries to speak*
-gets interrupted
-gets ignored
-everyone forgets what has been said
-slowly turns invisible
numbness became a second skin my brain seems quiet yet too loud in its silence and wherever I am there is nowhere to be my heart is trapped inside of my mind thoughts float heavy through my veins exchange my blood with what is left to survive the night the day the losing in between
TW: mental health, dissatisfaction, and more. Lil vent thing
I kinda miss being depressed. Not depressed as in I’m diagnosed. But I kinda miss the most recent time I was able to feel
I know it’s weird. Back then I wished to be like this. To be unable to feel. I wanted it so bad. Wanted it to take the pain away. And when it happened I was okay with it. After all how could I be happy. I haven’t been able to be happy for years now. But now that’s not even sad because I can’t feel that either
Even if tears start to from. Even if my face is drenched in them. I still feel nothing. It’s still empty. It’s a hollow show of emotion. A emotion that isn’t even there
I can’t be sad about this. And I can’t be happy about this
At first I was fine with it. Saw it as a good thing. I was happy to get rid of my emotions, and be able to live my life without constant stress, sadness, and dread
I’m not mad I’m like this. Not upset. I can’t be. But I’m kind of growing tired of it. I’ve been unable to feel anything for around 4 years now. It was nice at first. As nice as it can be when you’re like this. But now I kind of want to go back
Not forever. Just for a few months. Kind of like a refresher. So I can remember what it felt like. What my thoughts were. What I acted like. It would be good for me. Realistically I need to heal, and starting to feel again is apart of that process. And it’s gonna be a painful one. I don’t think I’ll feel happy for a while when I start to feel again
But that’s not what I’m referring to. I want my wish to come true. To feel absolute despair for a few months. Maybe 3, or four. Not too long. I want to feel awful. I want to be connected to that part of me. I want to remember exactly what it felt like. Rather than being so disconnected
What’s weird though is that if I went back I’d likely long for this again. No matter what we always long for the other situation. But for me I haven’t longed for happiness. I haven’t even considered it as an option
Probably says a lot about me
It’s a little hard to stay focused on this, and to come up with the words. And to write it at the same time. And to remember my thoughts before I started writing. I hate thinking of ideas so perfectly then forgetting them before I can write them
So many beautiful thoughts faded away
I also wish I didn’t have random incorrect spelling lines all over this post even when they are meant to be gone. There is one above a word right now. There’s not even anything there. And it’s from the previos post I think. I could close this, and it probably would reset, but I don’t care to. I kinda hate the replacement lines which is what these actually are I guess, but who cares
Back on topic
Now it’s gonna be hard to start thinking about it again
This is gonna be so long and these useless bits aren’t helping. Oh well
Now back for real. Not that anyone’s reading this anyway. Hi
It kinda sucks being disconnected. At first it was nice. I didn’t feel awful, and got to keep all the good. Like the memories, getting ‘happy’ from music, and other things occasionally, and having opinions
Now though it’s kinda got harder. I do have opinions of course, but they feel harder to grasp. They probably always were since this started, but still
It’s harder to know if I like a song when I try to listen to new stuff. It’s so rare for it to actually make me physically feel something. I don’t feel anything mentally so I have to rely on guesswork, physical feelings, and any shows of emotion my body decides to do. Like smiling, laughing, quickened heartbeat, and crying. I think I’m pretty good at being able to guess what I’d be feeling in the exact moment I’m in. Right now I’d either feel nothing, or be crying for talking about my feelings. Then I’d also hate myself for crying, and being weak. And if probably be degrading myself because I think I deserve it
Sorry that’s a big paragraph
Is mental self harm a thing? I’m not talking about occasionally saying something bad about yourself in your head. Which isn’t healthy either, but not the topic. I’m talking about the thoughts you get at night when you’re all alone with them
Pointing out everything you hate about yourself until you cry. Telling yourself why things would be better off for everyone if you died. How they’d have more time, resources, and money if you were never born. And you just constantly waste then
Anyway
I want to at least feel physically happy again. I want to feel my heart crushing in a good way, and want to squeal. Stuff has made me feel like that recently but not recently enough. I enjoyed listening to strawberry gashes for at least an hour. And Pretty by Kidneythieves. I loved thinking about a ship I’m Hyperfixating about
But nothing is giving me that anymore. It always sucks when it goes away
I just took a few minutes break from this, and had a pretty good cry, and thought some good thoughts. Don’t know if this helped me at all, but it’s something. I had thoughts. Not feelings though. But I cried, and yeah
Can’t really continue this. I don’t know if I can get back in the track I was on. Goodbye
I'm a melancholic alcoholic
With a tendency for feeling nauseous
Too much love, too much drink
Provides a space for me to think
But my thoughts flee my mind
As quick as they had come
And I am left alone
With my heart feeling numb
Just some art I did that was inspired by today’s recent bout of shitty emotions.