Nuerodivergent - Blog Posts

Chat, is it wrong to send my therapist a TikTok? At 11:15pm?

This is how MHA got me. Like come on man I’ve never been cool but now I have zero hope. And when I open the mystery character packs it’s like fucking cocaine if I get something good. Pupils dilated, heart rate elevates, I’m literally high out of my fucking mind on serotonin. It’s a $5 plastic toy that looks cheap as hell. To be it’s free drugs.

it's so wild to me that you absolutely cannot force a hyperfixation to happen. like you'll watch the most perfectly tailor-made-for-you content that everyone says you'll love and feel absolutely nothing, and then the thing you watch on a whim to fill time will reach through the screen and put its damn fingers in your brain and start rearranging the neurons right in front of you and every single time you're like THIS??? THIS??????? and this happens like every 6-12 months forever

These three pieces of media have a trend

I love these movies and shows so much and I want to talk about just one reason I love them:

Autism.

The three main characters of all these franchises have a similar situation. They are all weird and friendless and they have a dream that no one believes that they can accomplish.

Izuku with his dream to be a hero. PO with his dream to be a Kung Fu warrior and Hiccup with his dream (at first) to kill a dragon (which turned into being friends with dragons).

They are all bullied and ridiculed. What I find really interesting though is there's The reason for them being bullied and then the hidden and (seemingly) more likely reason that they are bullied. Izuku is quirkless, no one thinks he can be a hero because he has no powers. PO is big, no one thinks that he has the body to be a warrior and Hiccup is small. As he says, he's a walking fishbone.

However from what I can tell, those are merely (horrible, might I add) excuses to hate on them. Like what gobber says, 'its what's on the inside that they can't stand.'

What I don't get is that in Mha, 20% of the population is quirkless. In a school of just 300 there would be sixty kids who didn't have a quirk. I know we didn't see much of other quirkless kids but I really do think that the bullying that Izuku received would have been much worse than everyone else. It seems to me that the main reason that they don't like him, (especially Bakugo) is because of his personality. Because he's annoying.

I think that a big reason they hated him was because they noticed autistic traits, didn't understand it was autism (or cared) and didn't like it.

(I can make a separate post about why I think all these characters are autistic)

Now with Kung Fu Panda. (I just want to say really quick that I do not mean to take away from the real situations and ridicule that plus size people receive. I know that it happens and I know it can be really bad and I'm sorry for anyone who experienced bullying. I think that Po does face a lot of discrimination just because of his body, I just want to highlight the underlining albeism that seems to be present)

Po in my opinion is so clearly Audhd. He has an intense interest on Kung fu and everything surrounding it. He knows everything about the five, and he misses a ton of social cues. He just blurts things out and doesn't realize how they can be inappropriate for nuerotypical standards.

When Shifu first speaks with him he is immediately unimpressed. Yes, he does bring up (if I can recall correctly) his 'flabby' body. But it was also because Po was so excited and he was speaking in a way that Shifu or one of the five wouldn't. He was describing all the artifacts and knew exactly what the pinky hold was.

In fact, to me, the movie wouldn't have happened if Shifu didn't accept Po's weirdness. Really, in the end, Pos's body shape wasn't a detriment at all and I think Shifu knew this. He's worked with so many different species before, he has to know that every type of body has their own value. He teaches a prey mantis for crying out loud.

And also, I don't think most of Po's insecurities came from his size. To me, he seemed mostly insecure about himself inwardly. (Though I haven't watched the movie in a few months) Come on though, the whole secret ingredient thing? I think there was a reason that when he looked into the scroll it only showed his face.

Yes, his size did help a lot in the fight and I love that part of the movie so much but his creativity and his differentness helped a ton too. He literally imagined the scroll as a comfort food to get to it first... I mean, are they even trying to hide it? (We know it's his comfort food cause he literally did the splits to get to them when he got upset)

I'll move on to How to Train your Dragon now. Hiccup had ADHD. Hiccup has autism. I think that's a universally accepted, right? I think most of the movie is a metaphor for nuerdivergence. The movies already have amazing physical disability representation but that came later. In the first few minutes, we already knew something was different about Hiccup compared to everyone else. He was impulsive, he didn't listen, once he was set on something he was going to accomplish it, he said things without thinking, he was terrible with socializing. Especially with those his age. Gobber said, and I loosely quote, "it's not what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that he can't stand."

That boy didn't have any friends until he met the dragon that he shot down. I'm sorry, or is that not the most autistic thing you ever heard. It's like autisitic people and their animals. My dog was and is my best friend. Always will be. And a dragon is basically a giant cat/dog, and reptile.

He didn't get friends until his 'uniqueness' set him apart in a 'good' way. It wasn't until he was useful and cool that he got any human friends which is something I wished they touched on in Race to the Edge. Like, Hiccup has to have some insecurity surrounding that, right?

Anyway, my point is, whenever you see a character get bullied. Just remember that they are most likely nuerodivergent and that's probably why none of the characters like them. Peter Parker is included in this list.

Oh yes, this is a really helpful guide. It can also be helpful to non-autistics as well! Some symptoms of ASD can also cross over to other conditions like PTSD and ADHD. It’s important to recognize your limits and know when you need to step away!

Some things that tip me off when I’m getting overloaded are on this list, but disassociation and the freeze response can also be reactions of overload too. So can becoming mono-syllabic or non-verbal.

Another important thing: don’t belittle yourself for needing a break! Everyone needs one from time to time, even neurotypicals. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, knowing how to take time for yourself in stressful situations is a sign of good boundaries and good mental health! I wish more parents taught this stuff to their kids; so many meltdowns could have been avoided.

Clues to help you figure out if an autistic friend or loved one is in overload

Overload is basically the point where our Autistic brains can no longer handle input. It's not a meltdown or shutdown, but more of a mental checkout. Frequent overloads, however, can lead to meltdowns or shutdowns.

It's important not to assume that we will have overload only in loud or busy environments. Autistic brains often process information at a much slower pace than a NT brain, so even quiet environments can cause overload if something triggers it.

Note: not every autistic experience is the same and these are general guidelines only.

Common signs of overload:

Loss of facial expression or difficulties in making facial expressions. May start to exaggerate facial expressions, too, as they are struggling to mask.

Staring off into space, easily distracted, struggling to pay attention etc.

Increased stimming.

Difficulties in speaking such as stuttering, forgetting words, mixing up sounds, or difficulty speaking at all.

May try to cover their ears, eyes etc to sensory input.

Increased sensitivities and may include new or unique sensitivities.

Headaches or feeling physically sick such as sweating, stomach ache etc.

Fellow Autistics: what signs would you like for others to know?

People talking about how Finn Wolfhard always plays a struggling queer boy in love with his best friend when they could be talking about how Ben Schwartz always plays struggling lonely blue ADHD boys.

I mean between Dewey, Leonardo, and Sonic it's pretty clear.

shout out to all of my future roommates who r gonna have to live with my neurodivergent ass

i love me when the 80mg of adderall wears off like??? she’s so chatty for no reason god bless.

on colors and being different and not being enough for yourself

(please reblog instead of liking)

Relatable, lmaooo

Sirius: Part of the Remus Lupin allure is, number one, that he’s hot. But number two, he has mystique. He’s mysterious. He doesn’t look you in the eye when he’s talking to you-

James: That’s not mystique, that’s autism

Sirius: It’s pronounced hotism

Don’t you hate it when you forget to take your medicine that’s supposed to help you not forget to take it? - my dad after asking me why i didn’t ask to take an immediate release (A version of my ADHD meds) and I said “Oh! I forgot about them!”

Leaving things where I will always, like clockwork, know I will look for them first.

When I lose things and CANT find them, it’s because either I or someone else broke the routine.

If I can see it immediately I need to feel that it is there. Can’t feel it or see it? Need to hear it. My vision is already and always has been shit.

Keys? If they’re not in my pants pockets, they’re in my hands. If they’re not in my hands, I have them in my teeth. Not In my teeth? Check my bag pocket. Not in bag pocket? They then are only ever going to be in my car cupholder.

I can’t forget my work shoes if they are already on my feet or literally beneath or on my work bag. Even if this annoys the piss out of other people, it. works.

If something is within arms reach, the compulsion of: I might as well! Kicks in and I can actually manage at least taking care of my basic needs

The problem with this method is if I get stuck in a depressive spiral and don’t look at a specific spot by the mirror in the bathroom that I look at 90% of the time like three self care tasks are being forgotten that day.

If the cleaning supplies are sitting on the bathroom counter, eventually I will remember to do the task. Usually when looking at the thing annoys me enough.

TW: mental health, dissatisfaction, and more. Lil vent thing

I kinda miss being depressed. Not depressed as in I’m diagnosed. But I kinda miss the most recent time I was able to feel

I know it’s weird. Back then I wished to be like this. To be unable to feel. I wanted it so bad. Wanted it to take the pain away. And when it happened I was okay with it. After all how could I be happy. I haven’t been able to be happy for years now. But now that’s not even sad because I can’t feel that either

Even if tears start to from. Even if my face is drenched in them. I still feel nothing. It’s still empty. It’s a hollow show of emotion. A emotion that isn’t even there

I can’t be sad about this. And I can’t be happy about this

At first I was fine with it. Saw it as a good thing. I was happy to get rid of my emotions, and be able to live my life without constant stress, sadness, and dread

I’m not mad I’m like this. Not upset. I can’t be. But I’m kind of growing tired of it. I’ve been unable to feel anything for around 4 years now. It was nice at first. As nice as it can be when you’re like this. But now I kind of want to go back

Not forever. Just for a few months. Kind of like a refresher. So I can remember what it felt like. What my thoughts were. What I acted like. It would be good for me. Realistically I need to heal, and starting to feel again is apart of that process. And it’s gonna be a painful one. I don’t think I’ll feel happy for a while when I start to feel again

But that’s not what I’m referring to. I want my wish to come true. To feel absolute despair for a few months. Maybe 3, or four. Not too long. I want to feel awful. I want to be connected to that part of me. I want to remember exactly what it felt like. Rather than being so disconnected

What’s weird though is that if I went back I’d likely long for this again. No matter what we always long for the other situation. But for me I haven’t longed for happiness. I haven’t even considered it as an option

Probably says a lot about me

It’s a little hard to stay focused on this, and to come up with the words. And to write it at the same time. And to remember my thoughts before I started writing. I hate thinking of ideas so perfectly then forgetting them before I can write them

So many beautiful thoughts faded away

I also wish I didn’t have random incorrect spelling lines all over this post even when they are meant to be gone. There is one above a word right now. There’s not even anything there. And it’s from the previos post I think. I could close this, and it probably would reset, but I don’t care to. I kinda hate the replacement lines which is what these actually are I guess, but who cares

Back on topic

Now it’s gonna be hard to start thinking about it again

This is gonna be so long and these useless bits aren’t helping. Oh well

Now back for real. Not that anyone’s reading this anyway. Hi

It kinda sucks being disconnected. At first it was nice. I didn’t feel awful, and got to keep all the good. Like the memories, getting ‘happy’ from music, and other things occasionally, and having opinions

Now though it’s kinda got harder. I do have opinions of course, but they feel harder to grasp. They probably always were since this started, but still

It’s harder to know if I like a song when I try to listen to new stuff. It’s so rare for it to actually make me physically feel something. I don’t feel anything mentally so I have to rely on guesswork, physical feelings, and any shows of emotion my body decides to do. Like smiling, laughing, quickened heartbeat, and crying. I think I’m pretty good at being able to guess what I’d be feeling in the exact moment I’m in. Right now I’d either feel nothing, or be crying for talking about my feelings. Then I’d also hate myself for crying, and being weak. And if probably be degrading myself because I think I deserve it

Sorry that’s a big paragraph

Is mental self harm a thing? I’m not talking about occasionally saying something bad about yourself in your head. Which isn’t healthy either, but not the topic. I’m talking about the thoughts you get at night when you’re all alone with them

Pointing out everything you hate about yourself until you cry. Telling yourself why things would be better off for everyone if you died. How they’d have more time, resources, and money if you were never born. And you just constantly waste then

Anyway

I want to at least feel physically happy again. I want to feel my heart crushing in a good way, and want to squeal. Stuff has made me feel like that recently but not recently enough. I enjoyed listening to strawberry gashes for at least an hour. And Pretty by Kidneythieves. I loved thinking about a ship I’m Hyperfixating about

But nothing is giving me that anymore. It always sucks when it goes away

I just took a few minutes break from this, and had a pretty good cry, and thought some good thoughts. Don’t know if this helped me at all, but it’s something. I had thoughts. Not feelings though. But I cried, and yeah

Can’t really continue this. I don’t know if I can get back in the track I was on. Goodbye

BTW I talk about eating, and some gross stuff but not eating gross things

I ate good today :3

Yesterday I ate my only safe food fried rice at a certain restaurant and I ate it all!!! I didn’t even feel sick except a teeny tiny bit in my face cheeks, but I didn’t overeat or under eat wooo

Today I ate almost all my spaghetti! I was so happy, and I don’t think I overate but I’m not sure yet. I feel more sick than yesterday, but I’m just gonna keep telling myself I didn’t overeat to make sure my mind doesn’t make me puke. I shouldn’t though that rarely happens

I wonder why

I have been unofficially diagnosed by my psychiatrist. She really doesn’t see the point of officially diagnosing me, since it really would do nothing to help my progress.

people wanna talk about "don't self diagnose autism" meanwhile the autism test is damn near 3k dollars, a lot of people don't believe women can have autism, and (for black people) doctors don't believe them when they say they have literally anything. so.