Chuuya: Okay, listen... We just gotta stop hanging out with geniuses because you're gonna figure out that I'm really stupid.
Dazai: What? Don't worry about that.
Chuuya: *smiling* Hmm?
Dazai: I figured out a long time ago how stupid you are.
Chuuya: *contemplating murder*
Dazai, who had a sex dream about Chuuya: Drunk ppl do tons of things they don't normally do when their sleeping, like snore and have really weird dreams.
Dazai: Like sex dreams but it doesn't even matter cause dreams don't mean anything.
Chuuya, who also had a sex dream about Dazai: You're right. They don't mean anyhting. You can have a sex dream about someone you're repulsed by irl.
Dazai: Yes, yes exactly. Thank you, Chuuya.
Dazai: You could have a sex dream about, like, me.
Chuuya: But I didn't.
Chuuya: And if I had it would be a sex nightmare cause I hate you.
Dazai: And I hate you too, thank you.
Dazai, trying to impress Chuuya: I'm great in sex. I've lost count how many times I've done it.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Masturbation does not count as having sex.
A random drunk girl trying to pick Dazai up at a bar: I've never even kissed a guy.
Dazai, staring intently at Chuuya across the room, chin propped up on his hand: Me neither~
Fyodor: You're dead for that!
Dazai: Do it...
Dazai: Pussy.
Fyodor: I will enjoy this.
Chuuya, getting in the way: Hey, Elsa!
Chuuya: Get your icy hands off my bottom, bitch!
Atsushi, trying to convince Chuuya to join the group: You know... I thought it'd be good to have someone come along who's really... strong!
Dazai: And loud!
Dazai: And grumpy!
Dazai: And short!
Dazai: And oblivious to reality!
Chuuya:
*ada!Chuuya au*
Atsushi: I can't tell whether Chuuya joining the ada was a good thing or not...
Atsushi: Because on one hand, I have much less paperwork to do, and Dazai seems much happier and more stable.
Atsushi: On the other hand-
Dazai, through the office door: Fuck yes Chuuya, there, there!
Atsushi: That.
Dazai: I love you 🥰.
Chuuya: Why should I believe you? All the guys I've dated were dogs.
Dazai:
Chuuya: Well, aren't you gonna say anything?
Dazai:
Dazai: Meow...
Dazai: I want my vagina shaved ladies.
Chuuya: Then shave your vagina, Dazai.
Dazai, pulling out an engagement ring: Got it a week after we first met.
Chuuya:
Chuuya, also pulling out a ring: Got it yesterday.
Dazai: *on the phone* Hey, Chuuya~
Dazai: Do you know my blood type?
Chuuya: Of course, its AB.
Dazai: Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-
Atsushi: Dazai, have you ever thought of getting married ?
Dazai: *gay panic* I'm pregnant!
ada: What?
Dazai: It's Chuuya's.
ada: WHAT?
*meanwhile in the pm*
Chuuya, feeling a disturbance in the force: He said something that will get me into trouble, I can feel it!
Dazai: Babe!
Chuuya: Don’t call me that!
Dazai: Chibi, honey, dear, love, sunshine, slug-
Chuuya: Dazai-
Dazai: Darling, hat rack, sweetheart, my God of fire-
Chuuya: Dazai no-
Dazai: Mi amore, the light of my life, my chihuahua, my doggie, my baby, angel, baby boy, baby girl-
Dazai: My petit mafia, shortie, sweetie-
Chuuya: Are you done?
Dazai: My beloved, the best executive, the anchor of my universe, the loml, my other half, my soulmate..
Chuuya:
Dazai: Ok, now I’m done.
Chuuya: Ok what did you want?
Dazai:
Dazai: Oh I forgot.
Stormbringer!Dazai: My kink is doing stupid shit and watching Chuuya speed-run the five stages of grief as he realises that he still wants to do yaoi stuff with me.
Dazai: I am 100% straight.
Ranpo: Kunikida teaching Atsushi martial arts.
Dazai: I am 90% straight.
Yosano: Dostoevsky in the Dead Apple movie.
Dazai: I am 70% straight.
Ranpo: Sigma wearing his high heels.
Dazai: I am 50% straight.
Atsushi: The Hunting Dog that arrested you.
Dazai: I am 40% straight.
Dazai: Still straight, still doing okay.
Ranpo: Chuuya-
Dazai: I am not straight.
Chuuya: Shut up!
Dazai: Or what?
Chuuya, thinking what to say that could make Dazai shut up forever:
Chuuya: Or else I'll marry you!
Dazai: *malfunctions*
Dazai: We both look very handsome tonight!
Chuuya: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said "so do you."
Dazai: No you wouldn't.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: Yeah, you're right.
Dazai: What the hell are you doing?
Chuuya, reading Dazai's diary: Sus, be quiet. It's an enemies to lovers very good book.
Dazai: It's not what you think.
Chuuya: Damn, so you're in love with somebody else named Chuuya? What were the odds?!
Chuuya: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?
Dazai: Pi.
Chuuya: Pi?
Dazai: Low level, but never ending.
Dazai: I need a top.
Ranpo: Chuuya is in the pm, but Atsushi can go get him for you.
Dazai, blushing: I meant for this food container!
Yosano: Ok, bottom...
Dazai: Yosano, please.
Yosano: ...drawer.
Ranpo, first time meeting Dazai about Chuuya: My special abillity says there's a man in your life you're having problems with.
Dazai, angrily: That's an easy guess.
Dazai: I'm clearly an annoying person and have problems with both genders.
Ranpo: Yes, you clearly are.
Dazai: And then Chuuya walked by ignoring me like I wasn't there.
Odasaku: Does he even know you like him?
Dazai: Idk, I've been ignoring him, been mean to him. What else can I do?
Odasaku:
Ango:
Odasaku: Sounds you've tried everything.
Dazai: Last night I had a dream that you and I bought matching side by side mansions.
Dazai: But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard.
Chuuya:
Dazai: What do you think it means?
Chuuya:😶
Dazai: Valentine's day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant other and-
Chuuya: I wrote you a poem.
Dazai, already crying: You did???
Chuuya: Here's the thing. So I've known for a while now that Dazai has a little crush on me...
Kouyou: A little crush?
Chuuya:
Kouyou: Well, I suppose so, in the same way Menelaus had a little crush on Helen of Troy.
Chuuya: Yeah, I don't rlly know who they are...and I don't care, so listen...
Chuuya: The point is Dazai isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with.
Kouyou: Darling, Dazai isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with...
Dazai: Now I'll arrange our security.
Atsushi: Why?
Dazai: The mission is dangerous and we're hot. The enemy will want us for our info and our boddies.
Atsushi: Our info maybe...
Dazai: Speak for yourself kitten...
Dazai: Now I'm calling the only man who can fuck me.
Atsushi: What???😨
Dazai, calling Chuuya: I mean, who can protect me...us...
Atsushi: Ugh. 🤦♂️
Chuuya, picking up: What now?
Dazai: Well hello my big dick chibi.
Chuuya: What
Atsushi: the
Chuuya: fuck
Atsushi: Dazai!
Dazai: Language everyone!
Chuuya: The mission might be over, but as long as you're around, we'll always get into trouble.
Dazai, happily: Thanks Chuu!!!
Chuuya: Not a compliment.
Dazai: 😔
Dazai: My feelings for Chuuya are strictly platonic.
Ango: I see...What color are his eyes?
Dazai: Ocean blue, not in a weird way but in a way your ship can get lost in their waves and you’d never want to escape because it feels like an adventure and discovering new things in life...
Odasaku: Right...
Ango: What color are my eyes?
Dazai: Idk brown? Shut up Ango I'm talking about Chuuya.
Dazai, extremely drunk: Who is.....who is that ginger beauty who wears a hat with those perfect blue eyes?
Yosano: That's your boyfri-
Dazai: I'll fuck him tonight, don't tell Chuuya.
Yosano: Ok bro, I won't tell him.
*20 minutes later*
Chuuya, also very very drunk: Sorry man, you're rlly hot but I have a boyfriend...
Dazai: I see, let's call him to join us then! 😉
Chuuya: *calls Dazai and Dazai's phone rings*
Dazai, picking up the phone: Hellooo...
Chuuya, looking at Dazai: 😶
Dazai, looking at Chuuya: 😶
Yosano: 🤦♀️
Dazai: If you tell anyone that we kissed I promise I will make your 2024 a living nightmare.
Chuuya: How is that any different from now?